Morgan's Birth Story

 

Morgan Faith Hodges was born at 6:26am on October 28th, 2021. She was 7 lbs, 9 oz and 18" long. 

 

    We had moved back to Pocatello in March of that year. We were living in a small duplex, it was about 1300 sq ft. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. It was a tight fit, and if you were in the place, you could always hear everyone, no matter which room they were in. 

After Paige's birth, I had absolutely decided that I would not be birthing in the hospital again. I told Kelly that I wanted to have a home birth, and he was skeptical. I set up a consultation with a local midwife shortly after we'd moved in. He was there for the meeting, but he didn't ask any questions. I had a lot of questions. I wanted to know how many births she'd attended, how many transfers, the reasons for the transfers, if she would respect the choices I would make, etc. I hadn't quite made the shift into the mindset that I have now, as far as taking on that radical responsibility for myself and my baby.

I wasn't blown away by her or anything, but I didn't have any other options that I was willing to consider at the time. She wanted to wear a mask in my house, I asked her to take it off. She let me know that she'd been traveling and hadn't been vaccinated. I assured her that I did not care about that. There was something off about her communication style... she would pause and stare a second too long before responding to me. 

After meeting, I decided I wanted to hire her. Kelly was still unsure and he asked, "you really want to have the baby at home?" And I just said that it's what I wanted. A few months later, he asked if I could give birth in the garage, lol. He was worried about the mess. 

My pregnancy was very normal. Most midwives meet with you the same times a doctor does, every 4 weeks at first, then the visits become more frequent as the pregnancy progresses. I declined most standard testing. I was not worried about gestational diabetes. I did not want to have an ultrasound either, and had decided against it. However, my midwife told me it would be illegal for her to attend my birth without confirming the location of my placenta via ultrasound. Since I had had a c-section, the worry is that it could've been located on my scar. 

   This seemed a little silly to me, because every time she would check the baby's heart tones at an apt, she would listen and tell me that I had an anterior placenta. I could tell where my placenta was as well, since I felt no movement in the area she pointed out to me, and I felt a lot of movement down low, near my scar. 

I went along with this because it didn't feel worth it to me to fight it. She assured me that the girl she used for ultrasounds would be very quick, and would only check the location of the placenta and nothing else. So, at 30 weeks I had the ultrasound. I was worried I'd be tempted to have her check the gender, since we had decided to wait to find out, although I was certain it was a boy. I held out, but she must have missed the memo from my midwife, because she did the full anatomy scan. It took about 25 minutes, so she was quicker than most, but I still was worried about the dangers of the ultrasound the whole time it was happening. Why didn't I speak up during this? I don't know.

Around 35 weeks, I felt the baby drop lower. The pressure in my low back increased and I started to have more intense sensations that would start and stop. When I told my midwife this, her eyes got big and suggested that I was experiencing what they usually call the "37 week warm up." She said that once those sensations begin, it's usually three weeks until baby comes. I was excited to hear this, thinking that I would be having my baby by 38 weeks. 

I needed to start getting ready! The midwife gave me a whole list of supplies I needed to gather for the birth. It was stuff like old towels, cheap plastic shower curtains, and extra sheets. I also needed to buy a hose that can be used for drinking water, because that's what you use to fill the birth pool. And you need an attachment piece for connecting the hose to the shower head so that you can just run that water directly into the pool. 

I was really worried about when exactly the birth would occur. My other kids were 7, 5, and 2 at the time. I was so worried about it happening during the day time and what my kids would be doing. The place was so small, and I had a lot of anxiety about this. I wanted my mom to be there, but she lives 9 hours away. She decided to come and stay when I was 38 weeks. Then she wouldn't miss the birth and would be able to help with the other kids no matter when the birth happened. 

The weekend that she arrived, I woke up in the night with contractions. They were regular for an hour and then they stopped. It happened again the next night. (This had also been happening a few times the week before, the mind games were real). I shared what was happening with my mom and we both thought that baby would be coming any day. We were both wrong. The midwife would come for a check up once a week, and my mom kept suggesting things to help bet labor going. Both my midwife and I were on the same page for this, as she didn't like to do any stretch and sweeps before 40 weeks, and even then- only if there were some reason that baby needed to come out. 

I felt a lot of pressure to go into labor, not that I could control it. But my mom coming at 38 weeks and each day I would wake up, and walk out of my bedroom and see that she was disappointed that labor hadn't happened, I felt bad that she was there. On the other hand, Kelly was in the middle of potato harvest, and he was short handed as one of his employees had quit right before harvest started and the other was in the hospital, sick. So he was really wanting the baby to stay in another two weeks. 

One thing my mom kept suggesting was castor oil. She had used it to induce labor a couple of times. I just really wanted my labor to occur when my body and my baby were ready, for once. My previous three births I'd had something done to encourage labor to happen, and I wanted to just place trust in birth this time. But I was tempted at times to try these things. I remember telling my mom when I was 39 weeks and still pregnant, that I'd ask for a stretch and sweep at my upcoming apt. 

One night this week, Kelly and I were in bed and I explained to him how I was feeling. He was so good in this moment, just telling me how I'd been waiting 9 months for this experience, and how I needed to do it the way I'd wanted to all along. He did say, "you do you, Sam." But it was exactly what I needed to hear. 

While my mom was making those comments, she was still incredibly helpful to have around. She made all of our meals, and took care of my other kids, running them to where they needed to be. And she was optimistic and happy to be there. It was so nice. 

By the time I hit 40 weeks, my anxiety about when labor would happen just went away. I was no longer worried about it. It would happen when it happened, and most likely it had to be soon. 40 weeks came on a Monday, and my mom had to leave on a Friday. Again, I was no longer worried. If she was here when it happened, great, if not- it would work out!

I went for a couple of walks in the sun that week. We watched a lot of TV, and we waited. Wednesday night, Kelly and I went to bed around 10pm like we usually did. I had just drifted off to sleep when I felt a contraction. I had been feeling them for weeks, and this was nothing new, but for some reason it woke me up. I decided to get up and go fill my diffuser with the essential oils I'd picked for the birth. I'd chose a grounding blend, hoping it would help me be calm. I laid down for a bit, but the contractions were uncomfortable, so I would sit up for them, and then lay back down. Then I got up and paced the room for awhile. I took a shower, to see if the contractions would stop. My midwife had said that getting in water can calm the practice contractions, but the real ones don't stop for anything. They continued while I was in the shower. The whole time Kelly was sleeping through all of it. 

The intensity started to pick up. Around 2:00am I really wanted some counter pressure to help me get through them, so I woke Kelly up.  He popped right up, lol. He squeezed my hips through a few, and then he wanted to set up the tub. I told him he probably didn't need to yet, but he started doing it anyways. And he texted the midwife, again, I told him not to yet, because in my mind things could stop again, but he did, and he was right to do it. Luckily she saw it. You're supposed to call, not text. 

I kept feeling like I had to poop, and I'd sit on the toilet but couldn't go. The midwife came in while I was sitting on the toilet, and told me that she left her lap top at her house, which she needed in order to chart, so she had to run home and get it. So she was gone for another 30 minutes. I was not worried about her being there at all by this time. I was standing and leaning on our dresser while swaying my hips back and forth. I was really wanting to get into the birth tub now. 

The midwife came back and she had her assistant with her. They were both masked. Whatever, I didn't care at this point. She told me I couldn't get into the tub until she'd taken my vitals. I laid down on my back on my bedroom floor while she took my blood pressure, my pulse, and checked the baby's heart tones. My pulse was high, she had me down a liquid IV. It didn't help. My pulse was racing because I was in labor and nervous and knew I was about to have a baby. I heard my mom wake up and whisper to someone in the hall, I suddenly panicked as I realized I didn't want her to come in like I'd thought I would. Kelly stepped out to tell her I wanted privacy.

Finally, I stepped into the tub of warm water. It felt good, but not as good as I'd hoped! I was thinking it would take more of the pain away. Once I was settled, the midwife and her assistant stayed out of the room, just outside the bedroom door. This is what I wanted. The lights were dim, and Kelly was sitting behind me with his hand on my hand while I labored in the warm water. Every 30 minutes, the midwife would come in and stick the doppler on my belly for a few seconds, and then she'd quietly step out. 

After a bit, I felt a shift in the sensations. A downward pressure and a surrounding pain through my pelvis. I knew things were about to get real and I cried a little, because I didn't want to do it. I started to vocalize through each contraction. I never changed position though, I just leaned back against the pool, glad that Kelly's hand was on my hand. After probably an hour of this, I felt the tiniest, familiar burning sensation at the top of my birth canal. It was different this time though, because it would only last a second and then stop. Baby was moving down but then coming back up. This happened a couple of times and confused me. I tried changing positions, because I knew I wanted to catch my own baby and I thought it would be easier to do it on my knees. But it felt wrong. I whispered to Kelly that the baby was coming. He then called for the midwife to come in because "the baby is coming!" and then everything got chaotic.

I wish I hadn't said anything. Suddenly, her gloved hand kept reaching up inside me trying to feel for the baby's head. But the baby's head was still sort of high, the burning was only just starting. She was asking me what I was feeling but I just wished she would stop touching me and be quiet. I can't remember exactly what position I was in but suddenly the pain was insane in my pelvis, shooting across my back and down my legs. She realized baby was stuck under the pubic bone, and she told me to get into a squat position and push hard. I turned around, tried to squat but felt like my legs were going to float away, so I leaned back against the pool and I pushed so hard. I felt a turd come out and float up, which I hated. The midwife reached in with her fish net and grabbed it out. The baby's head popped out from under my pubic bone, and I could feel the roundness of her head fully inside the birth canal. The intense pain was gone, and I just slowly let the contractions ease her head down. 

I heard Kelly say, "I see hair!" lol, which I did not care about. Suddenly her head was out, and I reached my hand down to feel her velvety soft head. I was ready to reach down and grab her once her body was born. My eyes were closed, one more contraction and then she was out. As soon as I thought to grab her, the midwife reached across the pool and grabbed her from me. She thought she saw the cord around  her neck. It wasn't, and I knew that you just unwrap the cord if this happens. I hate that she took my baby from me in this moment. Baby was on my chest a second later, and I cupped her tiny bum in my hand as I held her head to me. My cord was short! I could feel it kind of hurting down below where it was pressing against me. 

I held my tiny baby in my hands, and looked down at her as she gurgled. She looked perfect, although I didn't know she was a girl yet. She was blinking her eyes and was clearly fine, but the midwife kept telling me I needed to rub her back so that baby would pink up faster. This bothered me, too. I knew she was okay. A couple of minutes went by before I remembered to look and see whether I had a son or a daughter. I could not believe I had a girl! I wished there had been more reverence in that moment, everything around me felt chaotic. The midwife and her assistant had a busy energy about them, and my mom had stepped into the room. Kelly felt far away from me. I wished that moment had been more intimate and that Kelly had been a part of it. He told me later he'd already seen that she was a girl. 

In that moment of seeing that I had a daughter, when I had been so sure all along I would be having a baby boy, I looked at her and thought, "who are you?!" 

It had only been 10 minutes since the birth that suddenly my midwife was trying to rush things along. She wanted the placenta out. I had not felt any inkling of it trying to release yet, so this caught me by surprise. She kept telling me to cough it out, and it wasn't coming. She gave the cord a little traction and we tried again. Apparently it had released, I just wasn't ready to push it out. She told me to stand up and try to cough it out, so I did and it came right out into a bowl she was holding under me. Again, this was annoying to me because, why are you rushing me?! There was no reason to hurry and get the placenta out at that moment. 

I sat in the water for awhile longer and baby nursed. She actually had started to wiggle her way down towards my breast in an effort to latch on. It was cool, I'd never had a baby do that. 

When Kelly had set up the birthing pool, he'd tipped our mattress up against the wall to make room. We didn't have a real bed at that time, just a mattress on a box spring on the floor. So when it was time for me to get out of the pool, I didn't have anywhere to lay down. He went and got the cot pads that we use while camping and set up a temporary bed for me. It felt like he was being ordered around by multiple women at that point. He was quiet and did what he was asked to do, but I kept wishing that those moments had been more private. 

Eventually, I got settled back into my own bed, which felt wonderful. The midwife and her assistant were very fast at cleaning everything up. You'd never know a birth had taken place in our home. But then it was time to test baby's reflexes and take her measurements. The assistant was doing it, so she could learn how, and she took forever. Morgan was crying the whole time, and I just wanted to take her back. I hated it. 

My mom made me a huge breakfast, and I scarfed it down. The older kids came in to meet their new sister, once they woke up. They all somehow slept through the whole thing! Kelly went into Jameson's room to tell him that the new baby was here, and he immediately asked if it was a boy. Kelly told him it was a girl, and Jameson cried. He wanted a brother! 

When Paige came in to meet the baby, I was sitting up in the bed, wearing a robe and a giant adult diaper. I had the robe pulled up so that I wouldn't bleed on it. Paige walked in and looked at me and said, "mommy have diaper." We laughed, then she held the baby for awhile. They all thought she was pretty amazing. The midwife told us that it was common for a baby to sleep a 4-5 hour stretch the day of their birth. We'd never had a baby do this in the hospital, but Morgan did. I was left alone in the bedroom to rest, and Kelly had her out in the living room where the other kids could hold her. I couldn't sleep though, it was so hot in the room from the tub being filled in there, and it felt weird to go for those few hours without holding my baby. She was fine, but I just wanted her near. 

Her hair was dark, almost black. And she had little dimples in her soft baby cheeks. She has a cute little upturned nose. Those cheeks quickly got super fat. She's three years old now, and she is a wild child. The craziest of our bunch. Being her mom has been humbling. She makes me question so much about myself, but she does make us laugh a lot and I am so glad I get to watch her grow up. 

My mom had to leave the day after Morgan was born. There was an event happening at home that she needed to be at, but she told me multiple times that she would come back if I needed her. I thought I would be fine, Kelly gets 2 weeks of paternity leave. Only, he wasn't actually able to take that leave. And he didn't tell me that he wouldn't be able to stay home. He was home that Thursday and Friday, and then he went back to work Monday. He had meetings he had to attend. He tried to take Jameson and Paige with him sometimes, but they'd end up just waiting in his truck. He was juggling so much. I just wish he'd been clear with me about what he had going on at work instead of trying to do all of the things and not really being able to. 

So, immediate postpartum was rough. I remember stumbling out of the bedroom one day around 2:00pm, knowing Jameson and Paige hadn't had any lunch yet. I was so overwhelmed. The house was filthy. I was exhausted. I just cried. One lady from church called to offer some meals be brought over, I requested they be dairy free, because Morgan was fussy when I ate dairy. I could tell she thought that was going to be a pain. She asked how I was and I remember holding back tears as I told her that everything was fine. I was not fine and I knew it.

Three weeks after Morgan was born, we were going to head back to Washington for Thanksgiving. I figured I just had to make it until then, because once we were at my parent's house, I would have help with my other kids and things would be easier. Looking back, it was silly to think that packing a family of six and all that that entails was going to be easy. I was so overwhelmed the day before we left. My brain hurt. I just pushed through and off we went. I thought I was doing okay, but I wasn't. 

Stressful times can be like that when you're in them, it's not until you look back that you realize how hard a situation was. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, just that having a newborn is hard, and taking care of a family is hard. I wish I'd prioritized rest, and that I'd just asked my mom to come back! She would have been wonderful to have around, and she wouldn't have complained at all. It was a valuable lesson to learn though, postpartum is a sacred time, and should be respected as such. I never rested much during postpartum, I was always eager to get back to it. This time it finally caught up to me and I crashed over the next few years. We need to "mother the mother," as they say. Ayurvedic medicine says that the women's experience during the first 40 days postpartum, affects her health for the next 40 years. It sounds unscientific but it's interesting to think about, and I believe there is some truth there. I'll go on about my experience over the next few years more in another post. 

I hope this didn't sound incredibly negative. I believe there were just a lot of lessons that were important for me to learn at this time, and I'm glad that I know what I know now, even if I had to learn them the hard way. 

Paige's Birth Story

 

Paige Noelle was born on August 3rd, 2019 at 12:20am. She weighed 8 lbs 6 oz, and I can’t remember how long she was lol. I think 20”.

I really wish I had taken the time to write down Paige's birth story five years ago. Not only is it not as fresh in my mind but our perception changes as we have new experiences. 

I knew I wanted to hire a doula again for her birth. I felt that with Jameson's birth, the doula had been what made the difference for me being able to birth without the epidural. I didn't love that doula though, so I looked for someone else. I hired someone whose name I saw recommended often in the ti-cities granola clan Facebook group. She was very different from the girl I'd hired previously. I remember her asking me questions like "what helps you ground you during hard times" and "why do you feel like you need to see if you're dilated at each check-up." If she and I could meet again, we would have more in common now than we did back then. 

She was great. She helped prepare me more about how to be in the right mindset before the actual birth. I remember her asking me something along the lines of: what helps you get through hard times? And I replied and said that my faith did. But I knew that at that point in my life I hadn’t ever really wrestled too hard with anything. Not that my life had been smooth sailing, but I hadn’t yet experienced that feeling of really yearning for God’s help. And to fast forward a little bit- I remember having a conversation with a friend who had given birth a few weeks after I did and her epidural hadn’t worked. She mentioned how much she’d prayed during that experience and how it helped her get through. I honestly wasn’t even in the headspace to pray when I was in labor, which bothered me when I would look back at the experience. Why wasn't I leaning on the Lord?

My doula- her name was Andrea- she helped me unlearn some of the beliefs I’d had surrounding birth. I took hypnobirthing classes during my first pregnancy and while I learned some valuable things, it also led me to believe that if I could just relax enough, then birth wouldn’t hurt. If I could just master the breathing techniques, I’d get through with minimal pain. Andrea taught me that breathing helps you cope with the sensations, it doesn’t necessarily take the pain away. That shifted something for me that I’d been holding onto since my first birth. I just needed to find a way to cope with the intensity- not to erase it. Controlled breathing helped me cope, and kept me grounded, and it stopped me from getting lost in the pain. 

Anyways, I was 38.6 weeks when I had an apt with my OB. I had met my mom earlier in the day because she was taking Quincy and Jameson to her house for a week. I had been feeling guilty because I didn’t ever want to take them anywhere and they’re been staying inside watching so much TV. It was so hot that summer, by the end of my pregnancy I would just swell up in the heat and I just wanted to lay in bed in the AC all day. So I was glad my mom could take them and they’d be able to have some fun with her.

I asked my doctor to do a stretch and sweep at that apt. (I would never do this now). This was on a Monday. I wanted the pregnancy to be over. He did the stretch and sweep, which always hurts, and I had some cramping and light bleeding for several hours after the appointment. Kelly and I went to dinner that night, knowing it would be awhile before we’d get the chance to go out again, alone.

The rest of the week I enjoyed my time alone during the day and Kelly and I would relax together in the evenings. I went for a few walks once the sun started to drop lower in the sky at night.

I’d told my mom I would I would pick up the kids on Saturday, whether baby had come or not. Friday evening, Kelly had plans to go with a friend to see one of the Fast and Furious movies (I don’t remember which one), that was opening in theaters. They went and grabbed dinner, and I was home, lying on the couch and watching TV. I had a big contraction and I felt/heard a pop. Those who’ve experienced it know how you aren’t sure if you feel it or hear it! My water broke. 

I jumped up, ran/waddled over to the bathroom and changed. I put on a pad, thinking that’d be enough to contain any leaking water. It was all I’d needed when my water broke with Jameson but this time it was definitely not enough. I had another huge gush of water come out and I ran and changed again, showering off because it had gone all down my legs and it was a little slimy. I called Kelly and told him my water had broken, but that he should still go to the movie. I wasn’t having contractions yet and I wanted to wait for them to get going at home. He thought I was joking, and I assured him to just go, he wasn't going to be far away and I wasn't feeling much yet. He stopped by the house to bring me a sandwich and to check on me before going to the movie. He was only going to be 15 minutes away. I knew he’d come back as soon as I needed him. I called my mom and let her know my water had broken and I remember saying something along the lines of how I’d really wanted labor to start but now that it was surely about to, I felt scared and I didn’t want to do it.

I ended up getting a big towel to kneel over because I was having irregular, mild contractions but water kept gushing out with each one. I think I took 2 or 3 showers that night. It really surprised me how much more water there was. I hung out, kneeling over the ottoman in our living room and watching Friends on TV. Contractions gradually picked up. They never did get very regular- the books all make you think that they should be happening regularly. Some were long, some were short. Some were 15 minutes in between, others 5. Kelly texted me every few minutes to see how I was doing. He just kept sending question marks and ellipses, and I'd reply that I was fine. 

For the first 1-2 hours I just told him to stay at the movie. Then the intensity started to pick up. I had a huge sensation and I texted him that I needed him to come home, now. He texted back that the credits had just started rolling! He made it home and I was leaning over the kitchen table, swaying back and forth. He sat in the recliner and we talked a little about how we were excited to meet our baby. The lights were low in the house, it felt very peaceful. Looking back, I wish I’d had the courage to just stay there. I think it would’ve been my easiest birth if I had.

I was timing my contractions. I’d had a worry about going to the hospital too soon and having my labor stop, like it had with my previous birth. But then Kelly walked over to the table and saw that my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and he said we needed to go. I didn’t want to leave but I agreed. I texted Andrea and told her we were going but that she didn’t need to come yet. She had a feeling things were moving quicker than I realized and she asked if I was sure- so I told her she could meet us there.

We grabbed our bags and drove to the hospital which was about 15 minutes away. It was after 10:00pm so there wasn’t much traffic. Contractions continued in the car and then really intensified as we walked into the hospital. So I was no longer worried it was going to stop. The hospital locks the doors to the L&D ward and they make you use that phone to call and ask to be let in. I felt so dumb, I said something like “I’m in labor… my water broke..." Like... can I come in? I'm supposed to be here? lol

The hospital was very busy that night. A record number of babies would be born that August at that hospital. All of the doctors I knew were on vacation, too. They had some other doctor on call who didn’t usually work there. I was sent to triage. I put on a gown, got checked, I was at a 5 I think.  They wanted a urine sample and those toilet contractions hurt so bad I cried. 

Then they wanted to put an IV in me, but they couldn’t get it in. I sat on that stupid table, shaking from the intensity of my labor, and they had multiple people come in and try and stick me. They use a bigger needle when you’ve had a c-section. The anesthesiologist even came in and tried. I started crying and said I didn’t want it. They insisted that I need it- again, I definitely could’ve declined this. It took three people five attempts to get this needle in. The anesthesiologist tries to reassure me, and tells me they’ll give me some medicine soon. Through tears, I tell him I don’t want it. He was like "...ok..." They finally get the needle in. We were in that room for probably 1.5 hours. I was shaking, crying, sweating, all while sitting on that table.

Eventually they move us to our room. As soon as we walk in I tell them I have to poop. I sit on the toilet and suffer through more toilet contractions. Andrea had walked in to the bathroom with me and I remember just looking at her- and she asks if I want privacy. Um yes, I do want privacy while I poop, please.

I walk out of the bathroom and sit on a birtbing ball while a nurse starts getting the monitors ready. I tell her that I want to get in the shower, I remember just wanting something to help me relax for just one minute even. I was so tense and so sweaty, I just wanted a small amount of relief. That nurse was cool, she said “we’d like to monitor you for at least 20 minutes but you can decline anything.” Damn right I can decline anything. Where was she when I was getting poked with a giant needle over and over? Anyways, immediately after that I had a contraction and felt that familiar burning sensation, it was only in a small area but I knew baby was on her way out. I said “the baby is coming.” And then Andrea pulled some emergency handle that turns on a speaker and she announces that the baby is coming to whoever is listening. People rush into the room and get me on the bed. They ask me which position I want to push in and I lay on my side while someone holds my leg up. I asked Kelly to stand in front of me so I could see him. I knew I wanted to be able to see him so I didn't feel alone.

I kept feeling a nurse wipe my butt every time I pushed and I felt embarrassed. I was yelling. My adrenaline had been pumping. I was pushing so hard. One of the nurses said “instead of putting your energy into yelling, put your energy into pushing,” which I hated. Don’t make me feel dumb for the way I’m doing this! I kept yelling and then Kelly repeated what the nurse said. I pushed hard, and even pushed when I wasn’t having a contraction because I just wanted her out. I felt the tearing happen when I pushed without a contraction. Wouldn’t recommend that. I should have waited for my body to push and given the tissues time to stretch. I remember the doctor saying he was rubbing some numbing gel inside me- it did nothing. And just don’t touch me? 

They made me roll onto my back as she got closer to exiting. Once her head was out, the rest of her slid out easily. It was maybe 10 minutes of pushing.They wiped her off and put her on my chest. She had chubby cheeks and velvety skin. I asked them not to cut the cord yet, but it had been 60 seconds and they said that was long enough. I could tell that doctor wanted to be done with me as fast as possible.

She was a chunky little thing, and she had thick hair only on the back of her head. She had chubby, velvety soft cheeks. She nursed like a champ and never wanted to stop. There's always a lot of people in the room at the hospital, I remember some nurse commenting that the baby needed to "pink up" more. She looked pink to me. I also remember some man, no idea who he was or what his specific job was, but he was in there and he started singing Happy Birthday, as soon as she was born. Which was sweet, but again, who was that guy? lol. All those people in there, and I don't even remember where Kelly was or what he was doing. I know he was there, but wouldn't it have been such a sacred moment to have the two of us peacefully looking at our baby.

The nurses were all bustling around, one of them asked me- "no meds for baby?" I replied that I just wanted to give her the vitamin K shot. During my pregnancy I had spent time researching the vitamin K shot. There's not a lot of information about it. Everything you can find tells you that your baby might have a brain hemorrhage if you don't give them the synthetic vitamin K. But the stuff comes with an FDA black box warning that babies have died after receiving it. I had a strong feeling while I was researching and praying that I should not give Paige that shot, but then my fear won out over my faith and I gave it to her. She's fine, but I never gave it to my other babies after her, instead choosing to supplement with it during my pregnancy. I could go on about this but I won't in this post. 

Like I mentioned before, the hospital was very busy. I mentioned to one nurse that Paige just kept nursing and nursing, and she said that it was because she was a big baby and that I should give her a bottle. No. I did not do that. She also told me not to sleep with Paige in my bed, and I did it anyways. I brought my own ibuprofen to the hospital, because they charge around $40/pill, and I had a whole bottle that I paid $10 for. When one of the nurses saw it she told me I shouldn't be taking my own meds, because they needed to know what I was on. But they weren't giving me anything, so I just kept taking them. 

My parents brought the kids to meet us in the hospital the next day, which was very sweet. Jameson seemed confused but Quinn was very excited to meet her baby sister. 

Because she was born right after midnight, we stayed another night in the hospital. My parents stayed at our house with our kids. The hospital was just crazy busy. It took forever to get our food and it wasn't great. The next day, when we wanted to leave, it took so long to check out. The same nurse who had told me I should give Paige a bottle, was supposed to be filling out the discharge paperwork, and she disappeared for a long time. When I finally peaked out into the hall to see what was going on, I saw her asleep at her desk. I think two hours passed before we could finally leave. Should have just cut off those bracelets and taken off! But we were happy to bring our new baby home, and we were shown so much love by friends and family who visited and brought us meals. 

It's fun to look at these photos knowing who Paige is now. She's one of a kind, with the huge heart and a huge imagination. 

It’s been awhile…

It’s been six years since my last post. Jameson was two years old and Quincy was four. Just thinking about the person I was then gets me feeling emotional. I’ve been through so much. We’ve had three more children. We’ve had three new addresses since then.

We were living in our little apartment on Gage Boulevard in Richland when I wrote my last post. Now we live in Chubbuck again. In a home that we own.

Life has felt very chaotic for the past three years. (Our fourth child is about to turn three). There is so much I plan to write about. So many things that have been swirling in my head, and I’d find myself wishing I had someone to talk to about it but it’s always that there’s either no one to talk to or no one who would understand. I’d find myself having imaginary conversations in my head. That probably makes me a crazy person.

Moving back to Idaho was a relief in a lot of ways but it’s also felt somewhat isolating. I’ll go into that more in a separate post.

I plan on writing about the births of my younger three children. I’ll share about my experience leaving group fitness behind. Maybe I’ll share my thoughts on health/healing/contagion. I’ll share about changes in my health and body size following the birth of Morgan and how that’s been tough to deal with mentally and what I’m doing about it. I may share about the time where I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints anymore. I could detail what I felt during the year of 2020 and how I’m coming back online and blogging about entirely personal things after years of posting nothing on social media.

I hope that writing it all down is healing in some ways for me. I don’t know or care if anyone even sees this. I’m not doing it for anybody else. (I used to share my posts to Facebook, but I deleted it in 2020- I’ve only come back onto it now because I needed to use marketplace. Apparently, no one uses Craig’s list anymore).

The world has changed so much in the last six years and so have I. But, I do have a habit of starting things and not finishing them. Even now, I’m tempted to just save this as a draft and not publish it because I’ve just laid out plans for this blog but what if I change my mind tomorrow and decide it’s not worth the effort? Except I don’t think I will change my mind. My day to day life is so hectic these days, I often feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. I put my baby to bed tonight and then just walked out the front door so I could sit on my front porch, in my hammock chair from Costco, and soak in the quiet and calm of the cool night air. I just sat there and tried to let the overwhelm of the evening routine relax out of that tense spot in my neck and shoulders. I had so many thoughts swirling around in my head again and it often feels like a burden I want to unload but I don’t even know how. And I don’t know why but this blog popped into my mind. I didn’t know if I’d even be able to open it up again. I wondered if I should write it all down- catch up on the past six years. And it suddenly felt like the thing to do so… here I am.

Summer Camping

Flat Head Lake, MT

Nearly every summer since I was really young my family has gone camping near Polson, MT on Flat Head Lake. Specifically, Big Arm. Before this summer the last time I was up there with them was when Quinn was 18 months old. Kelly was convinced that camping with kids would be terrible but we all loved it. We planned on only staying three nights but we both wished we would have stayed longer. 

The kids loved being outside all day and playing with their cousins. It was honestly so easy to be there because the kids were always happy, I only had to make sure that they didn't drown in the lake. My parents brought all the food in their RV along with all of the cooking gear so that made things super easy for me! Kelly went golfing in Polson twice and he golfed worse than ever but he still had fun. 

 Jameson doing his favorite activity- watching youtube videos of tractors. 

 Quinn was SO excited to roast marshmallows! She still talks about it. My dad is the marshmallow roasting master, just ask him. 

 We drove to Rawlins to get huckleberry milkshakes. They are normally really good, but that day they were not. 

 Kelly must have snapped this the first morning there. The air mattress we brought with us got a hole in it and we slept on the ground that night. Kelly informed me that we could go stay at the Red Lion in Polson for only $200 for the next two nights. I told him he could go there but I was staying. We ended up borrowing another air mattress and all was well. 

Like I said, we regretted not planning to stay longer and I see a lot more family camping trips in our future! 

 This was taken at the splash pad here in Richland. Jameson hated the splash pad for the first half of the summer but one day he finally started to like it and then before I knew it he was getting soaked and having a great time! Isn't it great when your kids get cold and wet and then want to come sit on you? 

 He also figured out how to swim, so the kids and I spent a lot of time in the pool this summer! 

Quinn insisted that she needed goggles so I bought her these ones with eyelashes on them and she loved them. 

One day I decided to take the kids out the pool and I only planned to be out there for maybe an hour because I wanted to go back inside and cook dinner. Quinn jumped right into the pool and when she popped out of the water there was blood all over her face because she had gotten a nosebleed. This hadn't happened before and hasn't happened since so I was surprised. We got her cleaned up and continued playing. 

A few minutes later, Jameson and Quinn were standing on the edge, jumping into the water. I was catching Jameson every time he jumped in because he wasn't comfortable flying solo. By the way its exhausting when you have to keep catching your 30 lb child and then lifting them back out of the pool but he doesn't care. 

So the kids were jumping in, and at one point Quinn jumped almost on top of me so I flinched away from her and Jameson decided to jump in at that moment. His teeth went into the top of my head but I didn't know it right then. I knew he had smacked my head with his face, and his gums were bleeding a little. He stopped crying and started playing again but I wanted to go back in, I mean both of my kids ended up bleeding within 30 minutes of being there. So I gathered them up and I remember my head hurting pretty bad. As I was walking back into the house I touched my forehead and my fingers came back bloody. So I went into the bathroom and I saw I had a little chunk taken out of my skin. I wasn't sure what to do about it since it was in my hair and kind of hard to see. I called Kelly and asked him if he would be home soon because I wanted him to look at it. 

He was home within half an hour and we realized that there was a chunk of skin with hair growing out of it that had been scraped partly off my head but not all the way off. Gross. He helped me rinse it out in the sink and he dumped hydrogen peroxide on it. He finished making dinner while I took a shower to try and clean it a little better. We weren't sure what to do about it. We debated super glueing it but I didn't want to put super glue on my hair. He told me I could try and cut the skin off but I would still have a hole in my head. It's not like I could put a bandaid on it. He suggested shaving the hair but that was not going to happen. 

We ultimately decided to superglue it. I was able to cover up the glue with my hair for a week but then the skin under it started to heal and scab and get raised up and I was desperate to get that glue off my head. Some of it had come unstuck but part of it was still attached. Kelly ended up getting his pliers and breaking the glue into small pieces and I was able to pull them out one at a time. I lost some hair but other than that it was fine!

Early this year, Kelly made plans with his friends to go backpacking in the Wind Rivers mountains in Wyoming. This is Jim Petersen, Kelly's seminary teacher, and his family. Kelly was planning to go with his friend and meet them there. His friend bailed on him two weeks before the trip. Kelly was super bummed when he told me, so I told him I would go with him. But then I regretted it and he could tell I didn't want to go. I was so nervous to leave the kids and be without cell service, unable to know for sure if they were alright. I talked to some other moms and I got some perspective. Parents used to leave their kids all the time with no cell phones. I realized I can't make decisions out of fear, because then I'd never do anything.

I had to convince Kelly that I really wanted to go. I made the arrangements and told him I'd already asked my mom to watch the kids and I was working on finding subs for my classes at the gym.  Another lesson I learned this summer- don't be afraid to leave my classes. I hated asking people to sub and I felt like I didn't want to miss out on being there for my participants. I wish I would have realized making memories with my family is so much more important and that the gym will always be there when I get back. It's not just missing class, it was changing my routine that was hard for me. With kids, life can be unpredictable. Especially, with babies. We just got out of the baby stage not that long ago and I finally felt like I had a little control over my life again and for some reason I was afraid to interrupt my routine. Now I feel like I was dumb and I wish I would have realized that sooner because this is a huge reason we didn't stay longer in Montana. *facepalm*

ANYWAYS, Kelly and I dropped off my kids with my mom and then we took off early on a Monday morning in August and headed to Pinedale, WY. Pinedale is rural, people. I only had 3G cell service. Isn't it crazy how 3G used to seem so fast? It's like my phone couldn't even operate. We stayed the night at a bed and breakfast in Pinedale. We didn't realize until after we booked the room that it said "shared bathroom." But we ended up being the only people on the top floor of the home and so it was fine. The house was built in the 1930s and it had all of the original furniture. It's called Chamber's House, so if you're ever over in nowhere Wyoming, go check it out. 

That night we walked to one of the only restaurants in town. It was full of people who looked like they'd just spent a few days in the mountains. It was expensive and not very good. One thing that stood out to us as we walked the street (notice I said street, because there's only one main road there), was how quiet it was! A car occasionally drove through but other than that there was hardly anybody out talking or making noise. The B&B was technically in their downtown and we slept with the windows open and didn't hear a noise all night. 

So, the next morning we went to Subway and then we drove up to the trailhead. I think it was called Elkhart and it is around 9500 ft elevation. I live at 300 ft above sea level. 

Here is our "before" picture. I used the outhouse one last time and felt really sad because I knew the next few days there would be no toilets. Then we set off! 

The trail looked like this for most of the first day. Super dusty. 

Lots of people take llamas or horses on the trails in the Wind Rivers. They are smart. 

 This lake is mediocre and not that impressive. I only show it to you to point out that each day, our surroundings just became more and more beautiful. 

We stopped a lot and snacked. I knew that eventually I would have to pee and I didn't want to so I tried not to drink a lot of water. 

 We hiked six miles to Photographer's Point. It's obviously more breathtaking in real life so I'd highly recommend going and seeing for yourself. These first six miles were at a gradual incline. 

Still so happy and full of energy.

We continued hiking until the trail split. Notice how the above picture is more green than before. The scenery is upping its game. I believe this is where we stopped and debated which path to take. Jim had been to the Winds several times before and he'd always hiked into a destination, set up a base camp, day hiked, and then hiked out. We ended up deciding to do a loop. He told us we would be hiking around 6-8 miles total to get to Cook Lakes. We'd already hiked 6ish so we thought we weren't that far. Well, we were far. Kelly got out his topographical maps app and told us we were like 5 or 6 miles from cook lakes. Some of us were naive, and we thought, "hey, I just hiked six miles and I feel great, I can do another six." It turns out that your body turns on you after 6-7 miles. We hiked on and on and the longer we hiked the more everything started to hurt. Every step I took hurt my feet, my hips, my IT bands. It didn't help that I was wearing $15 trail running shoes from Costco. Don't do that. We decided that as soon as we found a good place to camp, we would stop. We wanted to be near a fresh water source, and somewhere flat and far away from the trail. I don't remember which lake we ended up stopping at that night, but we hiked 13 miles that day. 

Kelly found us an amazing camping spot right on a lake. 

 I believe this is the lake we camped at. One thing about backpacking, is unless you pack in a chair, you don't have anywhere to sit. It's really nice to have a place to sit. I didn't. We set up camp that night and I lay on my sleeping pad for a long time and everything was throbbing. I know I work out a lot, but apparently I should really do more walking. I know I had a 35 lb pack on too but for real, I will go for an occasional walk and after about 30 minutes I start to move really slow and get tired. It's sad. 

We ate mountain house meals which taste really good when you're backpacking. We brought way too much food, and way too much of our food was sugary. I craved salt a lot but we brought cliff bars and pop tarts and trail mix. We had oatmeal for breakfast. I would rather have more mountain house meals and next time, we bring jerky. 

Sleeping on backpacking gear sucks. Everything makes noise when you roll over. I had a 4" pad and a pillow but it was hard to sleep. 

 We started off the second day by crossing a stream. I wore flip flops. It never got deeper than my knees. The scenery got better and better as we hiked. 

 Actual lily pads! And they weren't all soggy. 

 We crossed this stream, too. And we filled up our water bottles. 

 I think this is near where we camped the second night. We gained some elevation the second day, and only hiked about six miles. The place we camped was right between two lakes and it was beautiful. I jumped in the lake that day and it was cold, but surprisingly not the coldest water I've ever been in. It's worth it to me to freeze in order to feel clean. I soaped up myself and I soaped up my clothes and let them dry out that day while I wore my sweats I brought for sleeping in. We sat on rocks around a small campfire that night and talked. It was fun, but uncomfortable because rocks are hard. It's weird to go days at time never feeling comfortable. Never sitting in a chair, never laying in a bed or on a couch. We did bring a hammock but we only set it up one night. They do make backpacking chairs that are super light, and I think it would be worth it to buy them if we go again.

Our campsite the second night. 

We woke up to this the next morning. Most of the lakes in the Winds looked like this in the mornings. Perfectly still and reflective. 

The third day we headed toward Lester Pass.

 The third day was the day we were at our highest elevation, and also the smokiest day. Such a bummer not to be able to see everything we should have been able to see while we were up that high!

At the top of Lester Pass. It sits at 11,500 feet. 

Looking down the other side. Dang smoke. 

The third day was my favorite day. We were between Lester Pass and Seneca Lake and it was so majestic. We hiked about 5 miles to camp at Seneca Lake. 

Seneca Lake

This is where we spent our last night. We were all pretty tired by this day but we were still enjoying ourselves. I bathed in this lake as well. The rest of our group planned to stay one more night. We were very close to the Titcomb Basin which is where some of the best views in the Winds are. We were so impressed by what we had already seen and it would have been amazing to see more but we were tired and very anxious to find out if our children were still alive.  

Right after we hugged everyone goodbye and set off back to the car. I believe it was 14 miles away. I felt really good as we set out. I was cruising along at a fast pace and I didn't want to stop. Kelly was moving slower than me and I had to keep waiting for him. I felt really good when we made it back to Photographer's Point, which meant that we had hiked about seven or eight miles and that we were six miles from the car. And what I said on the first day about my body holding up for the first six miles and then suddenly deteriorating was still true. The hike from Photographer's Point was only six miles and was all downhill but it was the longest, hardest part of the trip. I never stopped, but I moved along at a snail's pace. Kelly was having to wait for me. I now know that I should have stopped and then I would have been able to walk faster. There was one group on their way out at the same time as we were, we kept passing each other. They walked faster than us but then we would pass them every time they took a break until the last mile, they were able to cruise ahead of us and get back to the car sooner. 

When you see the car after a trip like that, all you want to do is get inside of it. After we sorted through our packs I took off my nasty shoes and put on my flip flops. 

 My feet were disgusting. 

 Sitting in the car felt amazing. It was like my whole body started to tingle and rejuvenate. I love chairs. As soon as we were down the mountain a little ways I started staring at my phone waiting for cell service. Once I got a bar I immediately called my mom. She picked up after one ring and told me that my kids were fine. Kelly and I were relieved and thankful and we were excited to get to a hotel and get a shower. And then to feast. 

I loved backpacking. I hated pooping outside, but I loved backpacking. It was really hard, and inconvenient, but it was amazing. Maybe this seems stupid, but I like to compare it to having children. Some people might ask, why? Why backpack when you can stay home and sit on a couch and sleep in a bed and take a shower and order takeout.  People have also asked me, why have kids when you could just not and do whatever you want to do, when you want it. There's a reward in having children that is worth all of the inconveniences that come along with them. They make us better. They teach us patience, unconditional love, service, faith, forgiveness, selflessness, and so much more. They remind us where we came from. They made me a new person.

 I also think that backpacking or, spending time in nature, reminds us where we came from. Is it hard? Yes. But there is something about it that feeds my soul. We are taught that everything is created spiritually before it is created physically. Could it be then, that, in our every day life we spend so much time surrounded by things that have no spirit. Like our houses, our couch, our cell phones. When we get into the mountains, we are away from everything not spiritual, and surrounded by beauty and the life there that is pure goodness. It reminds me where I came from, and who it is that created us all. 

It's also nice to be completely unplugged. Anything could have happened while we were in the mountains, and we would have had no idea about it. It was very freeing. Also, we were in good company. We shared a lot of laughter and I would 100% do it again! 

In other news, I am attempting to potty train Jameson, so send prayers. 

I love how babies sleep. Also, he is on top of his tractor. I go into the kids' room every night and remove all of the toys that surround them in their beds to help them sleep more comfortably. 

Quinn started dance class this month. She absolutely loves it. I have pictures but they are taken through a window and they look terrible so I'll have to take some good ones at some point. 

Anyways, I'll wrap this up. We are doing great and looking forward to some fun times this fall.