We had moved back to Pocatello in March of that year. We were living in a small duplex, it was about 1300 sq ft. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. It was a tight fit, and if you were in the place, you could always hear everyone, no matter which room they were in.
After Paige's birth, I had absolutely decided that I would not be birthing in the hospital again. I told Kelly that I wanted to have a home birth, and he was skeptical. I set up a consultation with a local midwife shortly after we'd moved in. He was there for the meeting, but he didn't ask any questions. I had a lot of questions. I wanted to know how many births she'd attended, how many transfers, the reasons for the transfers, if she would respect the choices I would make, etc. I hadn't quite made the shift into the mindset that I have now, as far as taking on that radical responsibility for myself and my baby.
I wasn't blown away by her or anything, but I didn't have any other options that I was willing to consider at the time. She wanted to wear a mask in my house, I asked her to take it off. She let me know that she'd been traveling and hadn't been vaccinated. I assured her that I did not care about that. There was something off about her communication style... she would pause and stare a second too long before responding to me.
After meeting, I decided I wanted to hire her. Kelly was still unsure and he asked, "you really want to have the baby at home?" And I just said that it's what I wanted. A few months later, he asked if I could give birth in the garage, lol. He was worried about the mess.
My pregnancy was very normal. Most midwives meet with you the same times a doctor does, every 4 weeks at first, then the visits become more frequent as the pregnancy progresses. I declined most standard testing. I was not worried about gestational diabetes. I did not want to have an ultrasound either, and had decided against it. However, my midwife told me it would be illegal for her to attend my birth without confirming the location of my placenta via ultrasound. Since I had had a c-section, the worry is that it could've been located on my scar.
This seemed a little silly to me, because every time she would check the baby's heart tones at an apt, she would listen and tell me that I had an anterior placenta. I could tell where my placenta was as well, since I felt no movement in the area she pointed out to me, and I felt a lot of movement down low, near my scar.
I went along with this because it didn't feel worth it to me to fight it. She assured me that the girl she used for ultrasounds would be very quick, and would only check the location of the placenta and nothing else. So, at 30 weeks I had the ultrasound. I was worried I'd be tempted to have her check the gender, since we had decided to wait to find out, although I was certain it was a boy. I held out, but she must have missed the memo from my midwife, because she did the full anatomy scan. It took about 25 minutes, so she was quicker than most, but I still was worried about the dangers of the ultrasound the whole time it was happening. Why didn't I speak up during this? I don't know.
Around 35 weeks, I felt the baby drop lower. The pressure in my low back increased and I started to have more intense sensations that would start and stop. When I told my midwife this, her eyes got big and suggested that I was experiencing what they usually call the "37 week warm up." She said that once those sensations begin, it's usually three weeks until baby comes. I was excited to hear this, thinking that I would be having my baby by 38 weeks.
I needed to start getting ready! The midwife gave me a whole list of supplies I needed to gather for the birth. It was stuff like old towels, cheap plastic shower curtains, and extra sheets. I also needed to buy a hose that can be used for drinking water, because that's what you use to fill the birth pool. And you need an attachment piece for connecting the hose to the shower head so that you can just run that water directly into the pool.
I was really worried about when exactly the birth would occur. My other kids were 7, 5, and 2 at the time. I was so worried about it happening during the day time and what my kids would be doing. The place was so small, and I had a lot of anxiety about this. I wanted my mom to be there, but she lives 9 hours away. She decided to come and stay when I was 38 weeks. Then she wouldn't miss the birth and would be able to help with the other kids no matter when the birth happened.
The weekend that she arrived, I woke up in the night with contractions. They were regular for an hour and then they stopped. It happened again the next night. (This had also been happening a few times the week before, the mind games were real). I shared what was happening with my mom and we both thought that baby would be coming any day. We were both wrong. The midwife would come for a check up once a week, and my mom kept suggesting things to help bet labor going. Both my midwife and I were on the same page for this, as she didn't like to do any stretch and sweeps before 40 weeks, and even then- only if there were some reason that baby needed to come out.
I felt a lot of pressure to go into labor, not that I could control it. But my mom coming at 38 weeks and each day I would wake up, and walk out of my bedroom and see that she was disappointed that labor hadn't happened, I felt bad that she was there. On the other hand, Kelly was in the middle of potato harvest, and he was short handed as one of his employees had quit right before harvest started and the other was in the hospital, sick. So he was really wanting the baby to stay in another two weeks.
One thing my mom kept suggesting was castor oil. She had used it to induce labor a couple of times. I just really wanted my labor to occur when my body and my baby were ready, for once. My previous three births I'd had something done to encourage labor to happen, and I wanted to just place trust in birth this time. But I was tempted at times to try these things. I remember telling my mom when I was 39 weeks and still pregnant, that I'd ask for a stretch and sweep at my upcoming apt.
One night this week, Kelly and I were in bed and I explained to him how I was feeling. He was so good in this moment, just telling me how I'd been waiting 9 months for this experience, and how I needed to do it the way I'd wanted to all along. He did say, "you do you, Sam." But it was exactly what I needed to hear.
While my mom was making those comments, she was still incredibly helpful to have around. She made all of our meals, and took care of my other kids, running them to where they needed to be. And she was optimistic and happy to be there. It was so nice.
By the time I hit 40 weeks, my anxiety about when labor would happen just went away. I was no longer worried about it. It would happen when it happened, and most likely it had to be soon. 40 weeks came on a Monday, and my mom had to leave on a Friday. Again, I was no longer worried. If she was here when it happened, great, if not- it would work out!
I went for a couple of walks in the sun that week. We watched a lot of TV, and we waited. Wednesday night, Kelly and I went to bed around 10pm like we usually did. I had just drifted off to sleep when I felt a contraction. I had been feeling them for weeks, and this was nothing new, but for some reason it woke me up. I decided to get up and go fill my diffuser with the essential oils I'd picked for the birth. I'd chose a grounding blend, hoping it would help me be calm. I laid down for a bit, but the contractions were uncomfortable, so I would sit up for them, and then lay back down. Then I got up and paced the room for awhile. I took a shower, to see if the contractions would stop. My midwife had said that getting in water can calm the practice contractions, but the real ones don't stop for anything. They continued while I was in the shower. The whole time Kelly was sleeping through all of it.
The intensity started to pick up. Around 2:00am I really wanted some counter pressure to help me get through them, so I woke Kelly up. He popped right up, lol. He squeezed my hips through a few, and then he wanted to set up the tub. I told him he probably didn't need to yet, but he started doing it anyways. And he texted the midwife, again, I told him not to yet, because in my mind things could stop again, but he did, and he was right to do it. Luckily she saw it. You're supposed to call, not text.
I kept feeling like I had to poop, and I'd sit on the toilet but couldn't go. The midwife came in while I was sitting on the toilet, and told me that she left her lap top at her house, which she needed in order to chart, so she had to run home and get it. So she was gone for another 30 minutes. I was not worried about her being there at all by this time. I was standing and leaning on our dresser while swaying my hips back and forth. I was really wanting to get into the birth tub now.
The midwife came back and she had her assistant with her. They were both masked. Whatever, I didn't care at this point. She told me I couldn't get into the tub until she'd taken my vitals. I laid down on my back on my bedroom floor while she took my blood pressure, my pulse, and checked the baby's heart tones. My pulse was high, she had me down a liquid IV. It didn't help. My pulse was racing because I was in labor and nervous and knew I was about to have a baby. I heard my mom wake up and whisper to someone in the hall, I suddenly panicked as I realized I didn't want her to come in like I'd thought I would. Kelly stepped out to tell her I wanted privacy.
Finally, I stepped into the tub of warm water. It felt good, but not as good as I'd hoped! I was thinking it would take more of the pain away. Once I was settled, the midwife and her assistant stayed out of the room, just outside the bedroom door. This is what I wanted. The lights were dim, and Kelly was sitting behind me with his hand on my hand while I labored in the warm water. Every 30 minutes, the midwife would come in and stick the doppler on my belly for a few seconds, and then she'd quietly step out.
After a bit, I felt a shift in the sensations. A downward pressure and a surrounding pain through my pelvis. I knew things were about to get real and I cried a little, because I didn't want to do it. I started to vocalize through each contraction. I never changed position though, I just leaned back against the pool, glad that Kelly's hand was on my hand. After probably an hour of this, I felt the tiniest, familiar burning sensation at the top of my birth canal. It was different this time though, because it would only last a second and then stop. Baby was moving down but then coming back up. This happened a couple of times and confused me. I tried changing positions, because I knew I wanted to catch my own baby and I thought it would be easier to do it on my knees. But it felt wrong. I whispered to Kelly that the baby was coming. He then called for the midwife to come in because "the baby is coming!" and then everything got chaotic.
I wish I hadn't said anything. Suddenly, her gloved hand kept reaching up inside me trying to feel for the baby's head. But the baby's head was still sort of high, the burning was only just starting. She was asking me what I was feeling but I just wished she would stop touching me and be quiet. I can't remember exactly what position I was in but suddenly the pain was insane in my pelvis, shooting across my back and down my legs. She realized baby was stuck under the pubic bone, and she told me to get into a squat position and push hard. I turned around, tried to squat but felt like my legs were going to float away, so I leaned back against the pool and I pushed so hard. I felt a turd come out and float up, which I hated. The midwife reached in with her fish net and grabbed it out. The baby's head popped out from under my pubic bone, and I could feel the roundness of her head fully inside the birth canal. The intense pain was gone, and I just slowly let the contractions ease her head down.
I heard Kelly say, "I see hair!" lol, which I did not care about. Suddenly her head was out, and I reached my hand down to feel her velvety soft head. I was ready to reach down and grab her once her body was born. My eyes were closed, one more contraction and then she was out. As soon as I thought to grab her, the midwife reached across the pool and grabbed her from me. She thought she saw the cord around her neck. It wasn't, and I knew that you just unwrap the cord if this happens. I hate that she took my baby from me in this moment. Baby was on my chest a second later, and I cupped her tiny bum in my hand as I held her head to me. My cord was short! I could feel it kind of hurting down below where it was pressing against me.
I held my tiny baby in my hands, and looked down at her as she gurgled. She looked perfect, although I didn't know she was a girl yet. She was blinking her eyes and was clearly fine, but the midwife kept telling me I needed to rub her back so that baby would pink up faster. This bothered me, too. I knew she was okay. A couple of minutes went by before I remembered to look and see whether I had a son or a daughter. I could not believe I had a girl! I wished there had been more reverence in that moment, everything around me felt chaotic. The midwife and her assistant had a busy energy about them, and my mom had stepped into the room. Kelly felt far away from me. I wished that moment had been more intimate and that Kelly had been a part of it. He told me later he'd already seen that she was a girl.
In that moment of seeing that I had a daughter, when I had been so sure all along I would be having a baby boy, I looked at her and thought, "who are you?!"
It had only been 10 minutes since the birth that suddenly my midwife was trying to rush things along. She wanted the placenta out. I had not felt any inkling of it trying to release yet, so this caught me by surprise. She kept telling me to cough it out, and it wasn't coming. She gave the cord a little traction and we tried again. Apparently it had released, I just wasn't ready to push it out. She told me to stand up and try to cough it out, so I did and it came right out into a bowl she was holding under me. Again, this was annoying to me because, why are you rushing me?! There was no reason to hurry and get the placenta out at that moment.
I sat in the water for awhile longer and baby nursed. She actually had started to wiggle her way down towards my breast in an effort to latch on. It was cool, I'd never had a baby do that.
When Kelly had set up the birthing pool, he'd tipped our mattress up against the wall to make room. We didn't have a real bed at that time, just a mattress on a box spring on the floor. So when it was time for me to get out of the pool, I didn't have anywhere to lay down. He went and got the cot pads that we use while camping and set up a temporary bed for me. It felt like he was being ordered around by multiple women at that point. He was quiet and did what he was asked to do, but I kept wishing that those moments had been more private.
Eventually, I got settled back into my own bed, which felt wonderful. The midwife and her assistant were very fast at cleaning everything up. You'd never know a birth had taken place in our home. But then it was time to test baby's reflexes and take her measurements. The assistant was doing it, so she could learn how, and she took forever. Morgan was crying the whole time, and I just wanted to take her back. I hated it.
My mom made me a huge breakfast, and I scarfed it down. The older kids came in to meet their new sister, once they woke up. They all somehow slept through the whole thing! Kelly went into Jameson's room to tell him that the new baby was here, and he immediately asked if it was a boy. Kelly told him it was a girl, and Jameson cried. He wanted a brother!
When Paige came in to meet the baby, I was sitting up in the bed, wearing a robe and a giant adult diaper. I had the robe pulled up so that I wouldn't bleed on it. Paige walked in and looked at me and said, "mommy have diaper." We laughed, then she held the baby for awhile. They all thought she was pretty amazing. The midwife told us that it was common for a baby to sleep a 4-5 hour stretch the day of their birth. We'd never had a baby do this in the hospital, but Morgan did. I was left alone in the bedroom to rest, and Kelly had her out in the living room where the other kids could hold her. I couldn't sleep though, it was so hot in the room from the tub being filled in there, and it felt weird to go for those few hours without holding my baby. She was fine, but I just wanted her near.
Her hair was dark, almost black. And she had little dimples in her soft baby cheeks. She has a cute little upturned nose. Those cheeks quickly got super fat. She's three years old now, and she is a wild child. The craziest of our bunch. Being her mom has been humbling. She makes me question so much about myself, but she does make us laugh a lot and I am so glad I get to watch her grow up.
My mom had to leave the day after Morgan was born. There was an event happening at home that she needed to be at, but she told me multiple times that she would come back if I needed her. I thought I would be fine, Kelly gets 2 weeks of paternity leave. Only, he wasn't actually able to take that leave. And he didn't tell me that he wouldn't be able to stay home. He was home that Thursday and Friday, and then he went back to work Monday. He had meetings he had to attend. He tried to take Jameson and Paige with him sometimes, but they'd end up just waiting in his truck. He was juggling so much. I just wish he'd been clear with me about what he had going on at work instead of trying to do all of the things and not really being able to.
So, immediate postpartum was rough. I remember stumbling out of the bedroom one day around 2:00pm, knowing Jameson and Paige hadn't had any lunch yet. I was so overwhelmed. The house was filthy. I was exhausted. I just cried. One lady from church called to offer some meals be brought over, I requested they be dairy free, because Morgan was fussy when I ate dairy. I could tell she thought that was going to be a pain. She asked how I was and I remember holding back tears as I told her that everything was fine. I was not fine and I knew it.
Three weeks after Morgan was born, we were going to head back to Washington for Thanksgiving. I figured I just had to make it until then, because once we were at my parent's house, I would have help with my other kids and things would be easier. Looking back, it was silly to think that packing a family of six and all that that entails was going to be easy. I was so overwhelmed the day before we left. My brain hurt. I just pushed through and off we went. I thought I was doing okay, but I wasn't.
Stressful times can be like that when you're in them, it's not until you look back that you realize how hard a situation was. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, just that having a newborn is hard, and taking care of a family is hard. I wish I'd prioritized rest, and that I'd just asked my mom to come back! She would have been wonderful to have around, and she wouldn't have complained at all. It was a valuable lesson to learn though, postpartum is a sacred time, and should be respected as such. I never rested much during postpartum, I was always eager to get back to it. This time it finally caught up to me and I crashed over the next few years. We need to "mother the mother," as they say. Ayurvedic medicine says that the women's experience during the first 40 days postpartum, affects her health for the next 40 years. It sounds unscientific but it's interesting to think about, and I believe there is some truth there. I'll go on about my experience over the next few years more in another post.
I hope this didn't sound incredibly negative. I believe there were just a lot of lessons that were important for me to learn at this time, and I'm glad that I know what I know now, even if I had to learn them the hard way.
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