Group Fitness

Someone gave me a burned Turbo Jam DVD back in 2009 right after I graduated high school. I remember following along to the workout and thinking, "I could do this." As in, I could teach a workout class. It looked really fun to me. Fast forward a year or so, I was in college, and I was majoring in Exercise Physiology. One of the required classes was Aerobic Teaching Techniques. The curriculum followed along with the AFAA manual. We learned what was acceptable (back then) in a warm up, safe movements for a group setting, etc. We learned how to identify and move to the beat of the workout music, which most often has a slight change in the music coming every 32 counts. 

At one point, my roommates wanted to go to one of the student lead group fitness classes on campus and invited me to come along. These were in the evenings, and they were free. Instructors did not get paid. We went to a class called Turbo Kick. When the workout started, I realized it was the same workout as Turbo Jam. I got excited and talked to the instructor after class about how she came to teach this class. She explained how the certification process worked and I realized it was something that I could actually do, although I didn't decide to do it quite yet. I had it in my mind that I would be like ATT class instructor, who choreographed her own workouts. 

One of the ATT class requirements was choreographing 10 minutes of aerobics and then teaching it to our classmates. We would give each other feedback after we took our turns teaching. I drew on all of the workout videos I had followed along with in the past year or two for inspiration. It took me three hours to come up with ten minutes of choreography! I couldn't believe it took me that long. After that day I changed my mind about wanting to choreograph my own workouts, and I looked into getting certified to teach Turbo Kick. 

I found a training happening in Utah and that was the beginning of what would be over 10 years of teaching group fitness. The following semester, I started teaching Turbo Kick on campus. They were strict about which music we were allowed to use, nothing that mentioned drinking or sex, so that made it difficult to put a class together. But I was hooked. I learned that there were two other group ex formats by the same company, and I became certified in those as well. 

One thing about teaching classes, it's one of those things that you just have to be really bad at it, at first. You just jump in and start doing it, and you learn as you go. I was lucky to have the opportunity to teach for free and gain that experience. On another note, I'm certain there were pictures taken during some of these classes I taught in college, but I'd have to go way back in the archives for those. 

I was doing the fast-track at this time, attending three semesters each year. But I wanted to go home for the spring semester and complete an internship at Studio 90 in Quincy. I also took a couple of online classes. While I was at Studio 90, they allowed me to try to get some classes going at different spots on the schedule. The only one that really took was a 5:00am PiYo class. Those ladies were dedicated. But I HATED waking up that early. I was so excited to start doing that class because they wanted me there, but by the end of the summer I was so over it. I felt guilty about it, because those ladies were so kind to me. At the end of the summer they even gave me a little going away gift.  

I also did some personal training at Studio 90, but I wasn't certified. The gym owner said it would be okay, that I just needed to let people know I wasn't certified and that we could offer a discounted rate. I trained a total of two clients. One of them was an old lady, who was awesome and worked really hard. She mostly just wanted the accountability of having a trainer. The other was a woman who was in her 20s or 30s I think. She had no experience working out. And our first session together, I gave her a total body workout, doing three sets of every exercise, each set to failure! This was so dumb. She told me that she was so incredibly sore that night that she had to take ibuprofen in order to sleep. She only came to one other session and then I never saw her again. I do not blame her, I had no idea what I was doing. I just wish I could apologize!

My last semester of college, I took an internship at the Gold's Gym in Blackfoot. I was taking 20 credits during that semester, as well as traveling twice a week for the internship, so I chose to quit teaching the classes on campus. I was teaching a Hip Hop class at the gym in Blackfoot, and hoping to start teaching Turbo Kick and PiYo there as well. There was another girl doing the internship with me, and we would carpool down to Blackfoot together twice a week. We were heading up the 12 week challenge at the gym, taking measurements and the before/after photos. We also lead a kid's exercise class together. She and I became good friends during that time. We were both graduating that spring, and we lost touch after we parted ways, but we had a lot of fun together and I'm glad we were paired up. 

I got married a week after graduation, and moved to Pocatello. I continued to work in Blackfoot, teaching the one Hip Hop class, but it wasn't doing great. At this time I was also looking into furthering my education. ISU had a sports medicine program, I was just missing two pre-requisites in order to apply for it. Then I found out I was pregnant, so I let that idea go. I taught a few months into my pregnancy, before the class finally died. I'd also obtained my personal trainer certification through NASM, so I was doing some personal training. I really didn't love personal training though, and looking back, I really didn't know what I was doing.

I worked in Blackfoot until a few weeks before I had my baby. When she was 6 or 7 weeks old, Kelly and I signed up for a membership at the Gold's in Pocatello. I wanted to be able to workout and get back in shape after having a baby. I started attended the gym regularly, taking advantage of the childcare. I think Quinn was around a year old when I decided to apply to become an instructor. My application got a little lost, as they were in the process of hiring a new GGX manager, but I eventually had an interview and an audition. I started teaching PiYo one day a week at 6:15am. I did not want to teach an early morning class, but I was willing to take whatever was offered to me. 

I eventually started teaching during the day. And by this time, I had been able to attend many of the Les Mills classes offered at this gym. The manager let me know that they were interested in bringing a new format from Les Mills, and I wanted to certify in it. There was a training coming up in a nearby location, so myself and one other instructor, LaChelle, were planning on going. That training got canceled for some reason. But, we found another one happening in Phoenix around the same time. Kelly was supportive of me flying there for the weekend in order to attend the two-day certification for BODYATTACK. LaChelle and I split a hotel room, and we flew south. 

The training was fun and challenging, but I was sad to leave 14 month old Quinn for the first time. When I got back, she acted like she didn't even know me. Part of the certification process with Les Mills includes filming yourself teaching a class and submitting it for assessment. The first time I watched myself teach on film was the worst! It's just so weird to see yourself and hear your voice on video. I taped twice, and sent in the second video for evaluation. I barely passed, it used to be much harder to pass compared to now. I've been out of the game for a few years, so I don't even know what it's like now. But it definitely got easier over the years I was involved. 

We launched the program at the gym two months after we went to the training. Launches were so fun back in those days! The whole gym supported the events, and so many members would show up. 

I remember feeling like I was going to die during some of the peak tracks. It was so intense! But I loved it, and an evening class was put on the schedule, I think it was twice a week? Maybe once. I got to work learning new choreography and trying to build my library. I became pregnant early in the fall, and continued to teach while pregnant. But then Kelly was offered a promotion at his work, and we moved to Boardman, Oregon. 

The decision felt right to both of us, but it was a really hard time. I missed the gym and the community I had gotten to know. Kelly knew I was struggling, and he encouraged me to go talk to the people at the Gold's locations in Tri-Cities. I thought it seemed silly at first, driving an hour each way just to be able to teach group fitness, but I eventually took him up on it. 

I called one of the clubs and found out who the GGX manager was. Then I looked up the class schedule and found out when she would be teaching. I printed out a resume, and Quinn and I showed up at the gym right before her class would be getting out. (Is it weird that I still remember the outfit Quinn had on that day)? I asked someone to point her out to me, and then when she came out of the studio, I introduced myself. I gave her my resume and told her that I just wanted to be on her radar for after the baby came. 

Shortly after Jameson was born, there was a Grit training held at the club in Richland, and she emailed me asking if I was interested in attending. While I wasn't able to leave baby Jameson for that long, I at least knew that she remembered who I was! When he was 7 weeks old, I drove in to the Kennewick location and signed up for a membership. My plan was to drive in 2-3 times per week. I was so excited to attend classes again. 

Looking back, I can't believe how great Quinn and Jameson were about driving an hour and then being in the kid's club for an hour. They were so good. Jameson fussed a little in the car, but I could just reach back and put his binky in his mouth and he'd settle. Quinn was always a good traveler. And then the wonderful ladies who worked in the kid's club there took such good care of them. One of them could always get Jameson to sleep in the swing. She'd bunch a blanket up around his ears and he'd go to sleep. Same with any other babies. She was gifted. I'll always be grateful to the many kid's club workers who cared so well for my children. There were others who did not care so well, but that's another story.

I started getting asked to sub here and there and I was always excited to do it. When Jameson was about six months old, another instructor and I were given a class to team teach. She was brand new to teaching. We had a lot of fun teaching together. We each eventually got our own classes but we were both happy for the opportunity. 

This is one of the instructors I would sub for and team teach with occasionally.

When Jameson was around 13 months old, there was a local body combat training happening. I loved combat, and Kelly was supportive of me attending this two day training. I was still nursing Jameson, so Kelly brought him to me on my lunch break. Jameson refused to nurse so that was painful. But the training was great. Combat is definitely more complex than attack, pulling from many different martial arts disciplines. I had to learn new language, and it felt like I was drowning a little. The trainer told us that it takes a year of teaching a new format to get good and comfortable with it. I'd say that was accurate. I dove in to combat, learning new releases as often as I could. Within a few months, I had a regular class on the schedule. With two classes on the schedule, I was able to get Kelly a free membership. 

I know there are more pictures of me teaching combat somewhere out there on the internet, but I can't find them. I got to teach some packed combat classes, and I had the best time. There was a popular instructor who taught a mid-morning class, and he had a work conflict come up so I took over. I was newer, and a lot of the members didn't know me. I remember the first day taking over his class, they just stared at me like... "who are you?" I eventually won them over, or at least I think I did. He and I got to do a lot of launches together, and we also had a great time team teaching. 

I look shredded but unhinged here.

I think Jameson was about two years old when my manager asked me if I would be interested in attending an upcoming Grit training in Seattle. They needed more instructors (coaches), and wondered if I might be willing to go over there. Kelly was once again supportive of me leaving for a weekend and going to a training! I felt bad leaving that time and being away from the kids. I went though, and had a good time, as usual. Although the trainer who ran that training really phoned it in and did the bare minimum. It was easy to see she was checked out. 

I started teaching Grit pretty quickly after I went to this training. It wasn't my favorite to lead, but I think I was good at it. And Kelly would even come! The only class format he was comfortable attending. 

When I'd first started my Les Mills journey, someone had told me that you can't be great more than 2-3 formats. So I figured I was done after I attended Grit. But there was a local Bodyflow training happening, and Kelly was once again okay with me going. So I attended my fourth training. Bodyflow was a challenge for me. It was just so much slower than anything I'd done before. And new language, new yoga positions to learn. I filmed and submitted my training video right before we left for Thanksgiving in Arizona. Then, the day after we got back, I taught a Grit class and felt like I couldn't breathe. I took a pregnancy test, and found out I was pregnant! 

Paige was in my belly here. At the time that I became pregnant with her, I was teaching seven classes per week. I had also gotten a few raises over the years so I was making about $500/month! I taught attack until I was 25 weeks, and combat until 28 weeks. I quit coaching Grit pretty quickly after becoming pregnant. It was just hard and I didn't have the mental capacity or desire to do it. So I really only coached Grit for one year.  I taught Flow for longer... maybe 34 weeks? I also have no pictures of me teaching flow, I never launched it. 

Coaching Grit here, Kelly in the background :D

We'd often right the moves of the Grit workout on this white board, making it easier to remember the workout!

After Paige was born, I was eager to get back to teaching. I wanted my classes back on the schedule. But Paige was such a needy baby. She nursed all the time, and she was fussy when she wasn't nursing. She refused a pacifier. And she would scream in the car. It was hard to get her to nap. There was one Kid's club worker, Heidi, who went above and beyond for me and Paige. She figured out that if she swung Paige in the baby swing super fast, Paige would eventually fall asleep. But taking Paige was stressful, and it felt like my milk was always letting down in my tight sports bras, and I struggled with mastitis a few times. 

In fact, one day I woke up at 3:00 am and realized I had mastitis coming on. I was supposed to teach combat at 10:00 that morning. I texted every instructor asking if they could sub, but no one was available. I ended up taking a bunch of ibuprofen and heading in to teach. It was so painful to be bouncing around and running in place. I almost cried when I walked into the gym that day and almost cried again when I walked out.

Paige was seven months old when the whole world shut down. The first week or two it felt like a relief, not having to run around everywhere, not having any schedules. But of course, that quickly changed and where I'd once felt relief I now felt rage. I did my best to stay in shape at home. Kelly ordered a small barbell for me to keep doing Les Mills workouts. We rode our bikes almost every day. That fall, the gym opened up temporarily as a "wellness center" or some other loophole. My manager called me and asked if I would be willing to teach. I told her I wouldn't teach with a mask on, because that was insane and I didn't want people to pass out. She told me to just wear it around my neck and then if someone official happened to come by then I could pull it up. I agreed to come in. 

It wasn't the same. Many members were too afraid to come in, or had purchased their own equipment at home to use. Other members screamed at each other over masks. Some felt like I did, that they were stupid, and others felt strongly that we should all have them over our noses at all times. I remember being on stage and seeing one lady, who was a staunch mask wearer, pulling her  K95 mask away from her face at times just to try and catch her breath and then putting it back and continuing on. It was nice to be back but sad. At least the kids weren't required to wear them in the kid's club, so they were happy to get out and socialize with other kids again. 

Around this same time of things sort of opening up, shutting down, and opening up again, Kelly started working in Idaho. He did this for five months, coming home on the weekends. We knew it was likely he'd be offered an official position, and he was by March of 2021. After a year in Washington during covid times, we were so happy to be leaving. But it was also really sad, we'd had an amazing community around us after four years there. Everyone was so friendly and willing to help. I knew so many at the gym, at church, around our neighborhood. I was also newly pregnant with Morgan. 

I taught classes until the week before we left. I think I was 7 weeks along. I emailed my old manager from the Pocatello Gold's Gym, letting her know I was coning back. I had such fond memories of the gym here. The launches were amazing, so well attended and so much fun. The whole gym would put effort into making them a hit. She was happy to have me, but she didn't know I was pregnant. I had also gained about 30 pounds since I'd left Idaho. That pregnancy was a bit of a turning point for me, health wise. I was heavier, but I did still get to sub occasionally. 

A few months after getting here, my manager offered me an evening bodyflow class, but it wouldn't start until I was 34 weeks along. So, it wasn't that much time to get it established before maternity leave. I also had to cancel a class at 37 weeks because I'd been having prodromal labor and was exhausted. I heard later that a lot of people were there that night, disappointed to have a canceled class. Someone was willing to cover the class for six weeks after the baby was born, but then again, one of the subs forgot to show up one night. So another canceled class hurt the attendance as well. 

The members here were friendly when I would sub a combat class, but when I would sub a yoga class they acted annoyed that I was there. No one wanted the music on at a level that I could even hear it. It's the worst when members act rude to a sub, because if it wasn't for me showing up that day, they wouldn't have a class at all. 

I was eager to come back again. I wanted to prove to myself and others that I was a great instructor. I came back to that evening yoga class when I was seven weeks postpartum. I still had a huge belly and it was getting in the way during the workout. I'd never experienced this before, even though it wasn't my first baby, I'd never gotten so big. The weight wasn't coming off like I did with my previous babies either. I was weak but I kept trying, however, the class struggled. And Morgan struggled even worse. With the class being at 7:30 at night, she needed me. The first class back, I took her to the kid's club. She screamed the whole time pretty much, and when I came back to get her, she was red and sweaty from crying. The poor worker in there held her and unzipped her jammies to try and cool her down. I cried on the way home. 

After that, I left her with Kelly. She screamed almost every time I taught. I would spend the whole day leading up to the time that I would teach trying to set things up perfectly. Making sure she'd get a good nap, and nurse at the right time so that she hopefully wouldn't want me while I was gone for 90 minutes. It didn't really work. Kelly was still supportive of me teaching, but it was just rough on all of us. I felt so bad. I did get a sub once or twice just so I could be with her. It was just so much harder than it had been when I was doing it when Jameson was a baby. Paige and Morgan were more needy, and then having the class be in the evening made it worse. The attendance wasn't great, and it was decided to take it off the schedule eventually. The day of my last class, I had over 10 people. Why did they not show up until then? And why wouldn't they give me more time to build a class? There were frequent schedule changes at this club. And no one cared about the launch events anymore. It was disappointing. 

It was hard just getting to attend a class. I would drive around for awhile, hoping she'd fall asleep in the carseat and then bring her in. Only sometimes I'd get there, and they'd tell me the kid's club was full. This wasn't a thing in Tri-Cities. I couldn't believe it. The work I'd put in to get everyone ready and to make sure that she'd be happy for a little while so I could work out, and then to be turned away. It was infuriating. It also cost me some class attendance a few times. 

I pushed on, and was eventually given a combat class. I still struggled to lose any weight. And when I would teach combat I felt like my legs were stuck in buckets of cement. I never got that adrenaline rush that would allow me to push myself to the next level. I struggled through every class, except one time when I drank a bunch of caffeine right before but then I couldn't sleep that night. I enjoyed it but couldn't figure out why I was dragging. After I would teach, I'd feel like I needed to go home and nap for five hours. I was completely burned out. My hair was falling out like crazy during this time, and it never stopped until I was halfway through my next pregnancy. 

Attendance was low when I took over the class, and it stayed low. I had about three to four members consistently. When I would sign up to teach the rotating Saturday class, I had two people. I wondered if my part of the problem was the way that I looked now. My body was so different from what it had been. And I wondered if members could tell how much I struggled to get through a class.  It just continued to feel like the members and the staff didn't care that I was there, and like my body couldn't take it. Eventually the class was taken off the schedule, and I was offered a spot teaching aqua aerobics. I'd never done this, but I figured it was worth it to keep the free membership. 

So, I got on YouTube and watched a bunch of videos of water aerobic classes. I decided at first that it would be fun to choreograph the class, so I did. I choreographed a 50 minute class. It was so much work and then doing the whole workout on the cement next to the pool was so exhausting. The members didn't mind it but didn't seem to like it. So I changed things up pretty quickly, and I made more of a circuit style class. I heard good feedback and just tried to make the most of it. But then I became pregnant again, unexpectedly. This last pregnancy drained me more than I knew was possible. It was no longer worth it to keep coming in to a gym that was indifferent to me. Not worth it to try and get in to a kid's club that may or not have room for my kids. I could workout at home. It felt like a long time coming but I let my manager know that I wanted to quit. She asked if I would wait until they found someone to replace me. It took over a month I think, but they finally did. And I left and I haven't been back.

And I can't believe that that's what happened. If you'd told the me from five years ago that I would willingly walk away from teaching, I wouldn't have believed it. But that was one good thing about the covid times, I learned that I didn't need to be an instructor. That sounds dumb, and while it still meant a lot to me, I knew I could be okay without it if I had to be. 

In January of this year, a girl who owns a fitness studio reached out to me and asked if I wanted to join their new year challenge. I would be able to attend as many classes as I wanted for a month, and have access to their childcare. I took her up on the offer, because I'd been missing the group fitness environment and it felt like divine intervention. Well, their childcare was a tiny closet stuffed with toys and a small couch and TV. There was probably 8 sq ft of floor space. And my three kids seemed to take up the whole thing. The closet was stuffed full of kids since it was January, and there was a window on the door, so Brooks would see me taking the class and start crying. I also had a hard time getting a reservation for the childcare. And while I had so much fun being in a class again, I just knew the childcare situation wouldn't work out. I went to two classes and that was it.

I miss it. There were times that I felt invincible on that stage. The moves and the music and the energy of the class all combining to create a bit of magic. I don't know if I'll ever get to do it again, but I will always be grateful that I had the chance. 

Morgan's Birth Story

 

Morgan Faith Hodges was born at 6:26am on October 28th, 2021. She was 7 lbs, 9 oz and 18" long. 

 

    We had moved back to Pocatello in March of that year. We were living in a small duplex, it was about 1300 sq ft. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. It was a tight fit, and if you were in the place, you could always hear everyone, no matter which room they were in. 

After Paige's birth, I had absolutely decided that I would not be birthing in the hospital again. I told Kelly that I wanted to have a home birth, and he was skeptical. I set up a consultation with a local midwife shortly after we'd moved in. He was there for the meeting, but he didn't ask any questions. I had a lot of questions. I wanted to know how many births she'd attended, how many transfers, the reasons for the transfers, if she would respect the choices I would make, etc. I hadn't quite made the shift into the mindset that I have now, as far as taking on that radical responsibility for myself and my baby.

I wasn't blown away by her or anything, but I didn't have any other options that I was willing to consider at the time. She wanted to wear a mask in my house, I asked her to take it off. She let me know that she'd been traveling and hadn't been vaccinated. I assured her that I did not care about that. There was something off about her communication style... she would pause and stare a second too long before responding to me. 

After meeting, I decided I wanted to hire her. Kelly was still unsure and he asked, "you really want to have the baby at home?" And I just said that it's what I wanted. A few months later, he asked if I could give birth in the garage, lol. He was worried about the mess. 

My pregnancy was very normal. Most midwives meet with you the same times a doctor does, every 4 weeks at first, then the visits become more frequent as the pregnancy progresses. I declined most standard testing. I was not worried about gestational diabetes. I did not want to have an ultrasound either, and had decided against it. However, my midwife told me it would be illegal for her to attend my birth without confirming the location of my placenta via ultrasound. Since I had had a c-section, the worry is that it could've been located on my scar. 

   This seemed a little silly to me, because every time she would check the baby's heart tones at an apt, she would listen and tell me that I had an anterior placenta. I could tell where my placenta was as well, since I felt no movement in the area she pointed out to me, and I felt a lot of movement down low, near my scar. 

I went along with this because it didn't feel worth it to me to fight it. She assured me that the girl she used for ultrasounds would be very quick, and would only check the location of the placenta and nothing else. So, at 30 weeks I had the ultrasound. I was worried I'd be tempted to have her check the gender, since we had decided to wait to find out, although I was certain it was a boy. I held out, but she must have missed the memo from my midwife, because she did the full anatomy scan. It took about 25 minutes, so she was quicker than most, but I still was worried about the dangers of the ultrasound the whole time it was happening. Why didn't I speak up during this? I don't know.

Around 35 weeks, I felt the baby drop lower. The pressure in my low back increased and I started to have more intense sensations that would start and stop. When I told my midwife this, her eyes got big and suggested that I was experiencing what they usually call the "37 week warm up." She said that once those sensations begin, it's usually three weeks until baby comes. I was excited to hear this, thinking that I would be having my baby by 38 weeks. 

I needed to start getting ready! The midwife gave me a whole list of supplies I needed to gather for the birth. It was stuff like old towels, cheap plastic shower curtains, and extra sheets. I also needed to buy a hose that can be used for drinking water, because that's what you use to fill the birth pool. And you need an attachment piece for connecting the hose to the shower head so that you can just run that water directly into the pool. 

I was really worried about when exactly the birth would occur. My other kids were 7, 5, and 2 at the time. I was so worried about it happening during the day time and what my kids would be doing. The place was so small, and I had a lot of anxiety about this. I wanted my mom to be there, but she lives 9 hours away. She decided to come and stay when I was 38 weeks. Then she wouldn't miss the birth and would be able to help with the other kids no matter when the birth happened. 

The weekend that she arrived, I woke up in the night with contractions. They were regular for an hour and then they stopped. It happened again the next night. (This had also been happening a few times the week before, the mind games were real). I shared what was happening with my mom and we both thought that baby would be coming any day. We were both wrong. The midwife would come for a check up once a week, and my mom kept suggesting things to help bet labor going. Both my midwife and I were on the same page for this, as she didn't like to do any stretch and sweeps before 40 weeks, and even then- only if there were some reason that baby needed to come out. 

I felt a lot of pressure to go into labor, not that I could control it. But my mom coming at 38 weeks and each day I would wake up, and walk out of my bedroom and see that she was disappointed that labor hadn't happened, I felt bad that she was there. On the other hand, Kelly was in the middle of potato harvest, and he was short handed as one of his employees had quit right before harvest started and the other was in the hospital, sick. So he was really wanting the baby to stay in another two weeks. 

One thing my mom kept suggesting was castor oil. She had used it to induce labor a couple of times. I just really wanted my labor to occur when my body and my baby were ready, for once. My previous three births I'd had something done to encourage labor to happen, and I wanted to just place trust in birth this time. But I was tempted at times to try these things. I remember telling my mom when I was 39 weeks and still pregnant, that I'd ask for a stretch and sweep at my upcoming apt. 

One night this week, Kelly and I were in bed and I explained to him how I was feeling. He was so good in this moment, just telling me how I'd been waiting 9 months for this experience, and how I needed to do it the way I'd wanted to all along. He did say, "you do you, Sam." But it was exactly what I needed to hear. 

While my mom was making those comments, she was still incredibly helpful to have around. She made all of our meals, and took care of my other kids, running them to where they needed to be. And she was optimistic and happy to be there. It was so nice. 

By the time I hit 40 weeks, my anxiety about when labor would happen just went away. I was no longer worried about it. It would happen when it happened, and most likely it had to be soon. 40 weeks came on a Monday, and my mom had to leave on a Friday. Again, I was no longer worried. If she was here when it happened, great, if not- it would work out!

I went for a couple of walks in the sun that week. We watched a lot of TV, and we waited. Wednesday night, Kelly and I went to bed around 10pm like we usually did. I had just drifted off to sleep when I felt a contraction. I had been feeling them for weeks, and this was nothing new, but for some reason it woke me up. I decided to get up and go fill my diffuser with the essential oils I'd picked for the birth. I'd chose a grounding blend, hoping it would help me be calm. I laid down for a bit, but the contractions were uncomfortable, so I would sit up for them, and then lay back down. Then I got up and paced the room for awhile. I took a shower, to see if the contractions would stop. My midwife had said that getting in water can calm the practice contractions, but the real ones don't stop for anything. They continued while I was in the shower. The whole time Kelly was sleeping through all of it. 

The intensity started to pick up. Around 2:00am I really wanted some counter pressure to help me get through them, so I woke Kelly up.  He popped right up, lol. He squeezed my hips through a few, and then he wanted to set up the tub. I told him he probably didn't need to yet, but he started doing it anyways. And he texted the midwife, again, I told him not to yet, because in my mind things could stop again, but he did, and he was right to do it. Luckily she saw it. You're supposed to call, not text. 

I kept feeling like I had to poop, and I'd sit on the toilet but couldn't go. The midwife came in while I was sitting on the toilet, and told me that she left her lap top at her house, which she needed in order to chart, so she had to run home and get it. So she was gone for another 30 minutes. I was not worried about her being there at all by this time. I was standing and leaning on our dresser while swaying my hips back and forth. I was really wanting to get into the birth tub now. 

The midwife came back and she had her assistant with her. They were both masked. Whatever, I didn't care at this point. She told me I couldn't get into the tub until she'd taken my vitals. I laid down on my back on my bedroom floor while she took my blood pressure, my pulse, and checked the baby's heart tones. My pulse was high, she had me down a liquid IV. It didn't help. My pulse was racing because I was in labor and nervous and knew I was about to have a baby. I heard my mom wake up and whisper to someone in the hall, I suddenly panicked as I realized I didn't want her to come in like I'd thought I would. Kelly stepped out to tell her I wanted privacy.

Finally, I stepped into the tub of warm water. It felt good, but not as good as I'd hoped! I was thinking it would take more of the pain away. Once I was settled, the midwife and her assistant stayed out of the room, just outside the bedroom door. This is what I wanted. The lights were dim, and Kelly was sitting behind me with his hand on my hand while I labored in the warm water. Every 30 minutes, the midwife would come in and stick the doppler on my belly for a few seconds, and then she'd quietly step out. 

After a bit, I felt a shift in the sensations. A downward pressure and a surrounding pain through my pelvis. I knew things were about to get real and I cried a little, because I didn't want to do it. I started to vocalize through each contraction. I never changed position though, I just leaned back against the pool, glad that Kelly's hand was on my hand. After probably an hour of this, I felt the tiniest, familiar burning sensation at the top of my birth canal. It was different this time though, because it would only last a second and then stop. Baby was moving down but then coming back up. This happened a couple of times and confused me. I tried changing positions, because I knew I wanted to catch my own baby and I thought it would be easier to do it on my knees. But it felt wrong. I whispered to Kelly that the baby was coming. He then called for the midwife to come in because "the baby is coming!" and then everything got chaotic.

I wish I hadn't said anything. Suddenly, her gloved hand kept reaching up inside me trying to feel for the baby's head. But the baby's head was still sort of high, the burning was only just starting. She was asking me what I was feeling but I just wished she would stop touching me and be quiet. I can't remember exactly what position I was in but suddenly the pain was insane in my pelvis, shooting across my back and down my legs. She realized baby was stuck under the pubic bone, and she told me to get into a squat position and push hard. I turned around, tried to squat but felt like my legs were going to float away, so I leaned back against the pool and I pushed so hard. I felt a turd come out and float up, which I hated. The midwife reached in with her fish net and grabbed it out. The baby's head popped out from under my pubic bone, and I could feel the roundness of her head fully inside the birth canal. The intense pain was gone, and I just slowly let the contractions ease her head down. 

I heard Kelly say, "I see hair!" lol, which I did not care about. Suddenly her head was out, and I reached my hand down to feel her velvety soft head. I was ready to reach down and grab her once her body was born. My eyes were closed, one more contraction and then she was out. As soon as I thought to grab her, the midwife reached across the pool and grabbed her from me. She thought she saw the cord around  her neck. It wasn't, and I knew that you just unwrap the cord if this happens. I hate that she took my baby from me in this moment. Baby was on my chest a second later, and I cupped her tiny bum in my hand as I held her head to me. My cord was short! I could feel it kind of hurting down below where it was pressing against me. 

I held my tiny baby in my hands, and looked down at her as she gurgled. She looked perfect, although I didn't know she was a girl yet. She was blinking her eyes and was clearly fine, but the midwife kept telling me I needed to rub her back so that baby would pink up faster. This bothered me, too. I knew she was okay. A couple of minutes went by before I remembered to look and see whether I had a son or a daughter. I could not believe I had a girl! I wished there had been more reverence in that moment, everything around me felt chaotic. The midwife and her assistant had a busy energy about them, and my mom had stepped into the room. Kelly felt far away from me. I wished that moment had been more intimate and that Kelly had been a part of it. He told me later he'd already seen that she was a girl. 

In that moment of seeing that I had a daughter, when I had been so sure all along I would be having a baby boy, I looked at her and thought, "who are you?!" 

It had only been 10 minutes since the birth that suddenly my midwife was trying to rush things along. She wanted the placenta out. I had not felt any inkling of it trying to release yet, so this caught me by surprise. She kept telling me to cough it out, and it wasn't coming. She gave the cord a little traction and we tried again. Apparently it had released, I just wasn't ready to push it out. She told me to stand up and try to cough it out, so I did and it came right out into a bowl she was holding under me. Again, this was annoying to me because, why are you rushing me?! There was no reason to hurry and get the placenta out at that moment. 

I sat in the water for awhile longer and baby nursed. She actually had started to wiggle her way down towards my breast in an effort to latch on. It was cool, I'd never had a baby do that. 

When Kelly had set up the birthing pool, he'd tipped our mattress up against the wall to make room. We didn't have a real bed at that time, just a mattress on a box spring on the floor. So when it was time for me to get out of the pool, I didn't have anywhere to lay down. He went and got the cot pads that we use while camping and set up a temporary bed for me. It felt like he was being ordered around by multiple women at that point. He was quiet and did what he was asked to do, but I kept wishing that those moments had been more private. 

Eventually, I got settled back into my own bed, which felt wonderful. The midwife and her assistant were very fast at cleaning everything up. You'd never know a birth had taken place in our home. But then it was time to test baby's reflexes and take her measurements. The assistant was doing it, so she could learn how, and she took forever. Morgan was crying the whole time, and I just wanted to take her back. I hated it. 

My mom made me a huge breakfast, and I scarfed it down. The older kids came in to meet their new sister, once they woke up. They all somehow slept through the whole thing! Kelly went into Jameson's room to tell him that the new baby was here, and he immediately asked if it was a boy. Kelly told him it was a girl, and Jameson cried. He wanted a brother! 

When Paige came in to meet the baby, I was sitting up in the bed, wearing a robe and a giant adult diaper. I had the robe pulled up so that I wouldn't bleed on it. Paige walked in and looked at me and said, "mommy have diaper." We laughed, then she held the baby for awhile. They all thought she was pretty amazing. The midwife told us that it was common for a baby to sleep a 4-5 hour stretch the day of their birth. We'd never had a baby do this in the hospital, but Morgan did. I was left alone in the bedroom to rest, and Kelly had her out in the living room where the other kids could hold her. I couldn't sleep though, it was so hot in the room from the tub being filled in there, and it felt weird to go for those few hours without holding my baby. She was fine, but I just wanted her near. 

Her hair was dark, almost black. And she had little dimples in her soft baby cheeks. She has a cute little upturned nose. Those cheeks quickly got super fat. She's three years old now, and she is a wild child. The craziest of our bunch. Being her mom has been humbling. She makes me question so much about myself, but she does make us laugh a lot and I am so glad I get to watch her grow up. 

My mom had to leave the day after Morgan was born. There was an event happening at home that she needed to be at, but she told me multiple times that she would come back if I needed her. I thought I would be fine, Kelly gets 2 weeks of paternity leave. Only, he wasn't actually able to take that leave. And he didn't tell me that he wouldn't be able to stay home. He was home that Thursday and Friday, and then he went back to work Monday. He had meetings he had to attend. He tried to take Jameson and Paige with him sometimes, but they'd end up just waiting in his truck. He was juggling so much. I just wish he'd been clear with me about what he had going on at work instead of trying to do all of the things and not really being able to. 

So, immediate postpartum was rough. I remember stumbling out of the bedroom one day around 2:00pm, knowing Jameson and Paige hadn't had any lunch yet. I was so overwhelmed. The house was filthy. I was exhausted. I just cried. One lady from church called to offer some meals be brought over, I requested they be dairy free, because Morgan was fussy when I ate dairy. I could tell she thought that was going to be a pain. She asked how I was and I remember holding back tears as I told her that everything was fine. I was not fine and I knew it.

Three weeks after Morgan was born, we were going to head back to Washington for Thanksgiving. I figured I just had to make it until then, because once we were at my parent's house, I would have help with my other kids and things would be easier. Looking back, it was silly to think that packing a family of six and all that that entails was going to be easy. I was so overwhelmed the day before we left. My brain hurt. I just pushed through and off we went. I thought I was doing okay, but I wasn't. 

Stressful times can be like that when you're in them, it's not until you look back that you realize how hard a situation was. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, just that having a newborn is hard, and taking care of a family is hard. I wish I'd prioritized rest, and that I'd just asked my mom to come back! She would have been wonderful to have around, and she wouldn't have complained at all. It was a valuable lesson to learn though, postpartum is a sacred time, and should be respected as such. I never rested much during postpartum, I was always eager to get back to it. This time it finally caught up to me and I crashed over the next few years. We need to "mother the mother," as they say. Ayurvedic medicine says that the women's experience during the first 40 days postpartum, affects her health for the next 40 years. It sounds unscientific but it's interesting to think about, and I believe there is some truth there. I'll go on about my experience over the next few years more in another post. 

I hope this didn't sound incredibly negative. I believe there were just a lot of lessons that were important for me to learn at this time, and I'm glad that I know what I know now, even if I had to learn them the hard way. 

Paige's Birth Story

 

Paige Noelle was born on August 3rd, 2019 at 12:20am. She weighed 8 lbs 6 oz, and I can’t remember how long she was lol. I think 20”.

I really wish I had taken the time to write down Paige's birth story five years ago. Not only is it not as fresh in my mind but our perception changes as we have new experiences. 

I knew I wanted to hire a doula again for her birth. I felt that with Jameson's birth, the doula had been what made the difference for me being able to birth without the epidural. I didn't love that doula though, so I looked for someone else. I hired someone whose name I saw recommended often in the ti-cities granola clan Facebook group. She was very different from the girl I'd hired previously. I remember her asking me questions like "what helps you ground you during hard times" and "why do you feel like you need to see if you're dilated at each check-up." If she and I could meet again, we would have more in common now than we did back then. 

She was great. She helped prepare me more about how to be in the right mindset before the actual birth. I remember her asking me something along the lines of: what helps you get through hard times? And I replied and said that my faith did. But I knew that at that point in my life I hadn’t ever really wrestled too hard with anything. Not that my life had been smooth sailing, but I hadn’t yet experienced that feeling of really yearning for God’s help. And to fast forward a little bit- I remember having a conversation with a friend who had given birth a few weeks after I did and her epidural hadn’t worked. She mentioned how much she’d prayed during that experience and how it helped her get through. I honestly wasn’t even in the headspace to pray when I was in labor, which bothered me when I would look back at the experience. Why wasn't I leaning on the Lord?

My doula- her name was Andrea- she helped me unlearn some of the beliefs I’d had surrounding birth. I took hypnobirthing classes during my first pregnancy and while I learned some valuable things, it also led me to believe that if I could just relax enough, then birth wouldn’t hurt. If I could just master the breathing techniques, I’d get through with minimal pain. Andrea taught me that breathing helps you cope with the sensations, it doesn’t necessarily take the pain away. That shifted something for me that I’d been holding onto since my first birth. I just needed to find a way to cope with the intensity- not to erase it. Controlled breathing helped me cope, and kept me grounded, and it stopped me from getting lost in the pain. 

Anyways, I was 38.6 weeks when I had an apt with my OB. I had met my mom earlier in the day because she was taking Quincy and Jameson to her house for a week. I had been feeling guilty because I didn’t ever want to take them anywhere and they’re been staying inside watching so much TV. It was so hot that summer, by the end of my pregnancy I would just swell up in the heat and I just wanted to lay in bed in the AC all day. So I was glad my mom could take them and they’d be able to have some fun with her.

I asked my doctor to do a stretch and sweep at that apt. (I would never do this now). This was on a Monday. I wanted the pregnancy to be over. He did the stretch and sweep, which always hurts, and I had some cramping and light bleeding for several hours after the appointment. Kelly and I went to dinner that night, knowing it would be awhile before we’d get the chance to go out again, alone.

The rest of the week I enjoyed my time alone during the day and Kelly and I would relax together in the evenings. I went for a few walks once the sun started to drop lower in the sky at night.

I’d told my mom I would I would pick up the kids on Saturday, whether baby had come or not. Friday evening, Kelly had plans to go with a friend to see one of the Fast and Furious movies (I don’t remember which one), that was opening in theaters. They went and grabbed dinner, and I was home, lying on the couch and watching TV. I had a big contraction and I felt/heard a pop. Those who’ve experienced it know how you aren’t sure if you feel it or hear it! My water broke. 

I jumped up, ran/waddled over to the bathroom and changed. I put on a pad, thinking that’d be enough to contain any leaking water. It was all I’d needed when my water broke with Jameson but this time it was definitely not enough. I had another huge gush of water come out and I ran and changed again, showering off because it had gone all down my legs and it was a little slimy. I called Kelly and told him my water had broken, but that he should still go to the movie. I wasn’t having contractions yet and I wanted to wait for them to get going at home. He thought I was joking, and I assured him to just go, he wasn't going to be far away and I wasn't feeling much yet. He stopped by the house to bring me a sandwich and to check on me before going to the movie. He was only going to be 15 minutes away. I knew he’d come back as soon as I needed him. I called my mom and let her know my water had broken and I remember saying something along the lines of how I’d really wanted labor to start but now that it was surely about to, I felt scared and I didn’t want to do it.

I ended up getting a big towel to kneel over because I was having irregular, mild contractions but water kept gushing out with each one. I think I took 2 or 3 showers that night. It really surprised me how much more water there was. I hung out, kneeling over the ottoman in our living room and watching Friends on TV. Contractions gradually picked up. They never did get very regular- the books all make you think that they should be happening regularly. Some were long, some were short. Some were 15 minutes in between, others 5. Kelly texted me every few minutes to see how I was doing. He just kept sending question marks and ellipses, and I'd reply that I was fine. 

For the first 1-2 hours I just told him to stay at the movie. Then the intensity started to pick up. I had a huge sensation and I texted him that I needed him to come home, now. He texted back that the credits had just started rolling! He made it home and I was leaning over the kitchen table, swaying back and forth. He sat in the recliner and we talked a little about how we were excited to meet our baby. The lights were low in the house, it felt very peaceful. Looking back, I wish I’d had the courage to just stay there. I think it would’ve been my easiest birth if I had.

I was timing my contractions. I’d had a worry about going to the hospital too soon and having my labor stop, like it had with my previous birth. But then Kelly walked over to the table and saw that my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and he said we needed to go. I didn’t want to leave but I agreed. I texted Andrea and told her we were going but that she didn’t need to come yet. She had a feeling things were moving quicker than I realized and she asked if I was sure- so I told her she could meet us there.

We grabbed our bags and drove to the hospital which was about 15 minutes away. It was after 10:00pm so there wasn’t much traffic. Contractions continued in the car and then really intensified as we walked into the hospital. So I was no longer worried it was going to stop. The hospital locks the doors to the L&D ward and they make you use that phone to call and ask to be let in. I felt so dumb, I said something like “I’m in labor… my water broke..." Like... can I come in? I'm supposed to be here? lol

The hospital was very busy that night. A record number of babies would be born that August at that hospital. All of the doctors I knew were on vacation, too. They had some other doctor on call who didn’t usually work there. I was sent to triage. I put on a gown, got checked, I was at a 5 I think.  They wanted a urine sample and those toilet contractions hurt so bad I cried. 

Then they wanted to put an IV in me, but they couldn’t get it in. I sat on that stupid table, shaking from the intensity of my labor, and they had multiple people come in and try and stick me. They use a bigger needle when you’ve had a c-section. The anesthesiologist even came in and tried. I started crying and said I didn’t want it. They insisted that I need it- again, I definitely could’ve declined this. It took three people five attempts to get this needle in. The anesthesiologist tries to reassure me, and tells me they’ll give me some medicine soon. Through tears, I tell him I don’t want it. He was like "...ok..." They finally get the needle in. We were in that room for probably 1.5 hours. I was shaking, crying, sweating, all while sitting on that table.

Eventually they move us to our room. As soon as we walk in I tell them I have to poop. I sit on the toilet and suffer through more toilet contractions. Andrea had walked in to the bathroom with me and I remember just looking at her- and she asks if I want privacy. Um yes, I do want privacy while I poop, please.

I walk out of the bathroom and sit on a birtbing ball while a nurse starts getting the monitors ready. I tell her that I want to get in the shower, I remember just wanting something to help me relax for just one minute even. I was so tense and so sweaty, I just wanted a small amount of relief. That nurse was cool, she said “we’d like to monitor you for at least 20 minutes but you can decline anything.” Damn right I can decline anything. Where was she when I was getting poked with a giant needle over and over? Anyways, immediately after that I had a contraction and felt that familiar burning sensation, it was only in a small area but I knew baby was on her way out. I said “the baby is coming.” And then Andrea pulled some emergency handle that turns on a speaker and she announces that the baby is coming to whoever is listening. People rush into the room and get me on the bed. They ask me which position I want to push in and I lay on my side while someone holds my leg up. I asked Kelly to stand in front of me so I could see him. I knew I wanted to be able to see him so I didn't feel alone.

I kept feeling a nurse wipe my butt every time I pushed and I felt embarrassed. I was yelling. My adrenaline had been pumping. I was pushing so hard. One of the nurses said “instead of putting your energy into yelling, put your energy into pushing,” which I hated. Don’t make me feel dumb for the way I’m doing this! I kept yelling and then Kelly repeated what the nurse said. I pushed hard, and even pushed when I wasn’t having a contraction because I just wanted her out. I felt the tearing happen when I pushed without a contraction. Wouldn’t recommend that. I should have waited for my body to push and given the tissues time to stretch. I remember the doctor saying he was rubbing some numbing gel inside me- it did nothing. And just don’t touch me? 

They made me roll onto my back as she got closer to exiting. Once her head was out, the rest of her slid out easily. It was maybe 10 minutes of pushing.They wiped her off and put her on my chest. She had chubby cheeks and velvety skin. I asked them not to cut the cord yet, but it had been 60 seconds and they said that was long enough. I could tell that doctor wanted to be done with me as fast as possible.

She was a chunky little thing, and she had thick hair only on the back of her head. She had chubby, velvety soft cheeks. She nursed like a champ and never wanted to stop. There's always a lot of people in the room at the hospital, I remember some nurse commenting that the baby needed to "pink up" more. She looked pink to me. I also remember some man, no idea who he was or what his specific job was, but he was in there and he started singing Happy Birthday, as soon as she was born. Which was sweet, but again, who was that guy? lol. All those people in there, and I don't even remember where Kelly was or what he was doing. I know he was there, but wouldn't it have been such a sacred moment to have the two of us peacefully looking at our baby.

The nurses were all bustling around, one of them asked me- "no meds for baby?" I replied that I just wanted to give her the vitamin K shot. During my pregnancy I had spent time researching the vitamin K shot. There's not a lot of information about it. Everything you can find tells you that your baby might have a brain hemorrhage if you don't give them the synthetic vitamin K. But the stuff comes with an FDA black box warning that babies have died after receiving it. I had a strong feeling while I was researching and praying that I should not give Paige that shot, but then my fear won out over my faith and I gave it to her. She's fine, but I never gave it to my other babies after her, instead choosing to supplement with it during my pregnancy. I could go on about this but I won't in this post. 

Like I mentioned before, the hospital was very busy. I mentioned to one nurse that Paige just kept nursing and nursing, and she said that it was because she was a big baby and that I should give her a bottle. No. I did not do that. She also told me not to sleep with Paige in my bed, and I did it anyways. I brought my own ibuprofen to the hospital, because they charge around $40/pill, and I had a whole bottle that I paid $10 for. When one of the nurses saw it she told me I shouldn't be taking my own meds, because they needed to know what I was on. But they weren't giving me anything, so I just kept taking them. 

My parents brought the kids to meet us in the hospital the next day, which was very sweet. Jameson seemed confused but Quinn was very excited to meet her baby sister. 

Because she was born right after midnight, we stayed another night in the hospital. My parents stayed at our house with our kids. The hospital was just crazy busy. It took forever to get our food and it wasn't great. The next day, when we wanted to leave, it took so long to check out. The same nurse who had told me I should give Paige a bottle, was supposed to be filling out the discharge paperwork, and she disappeared for a long time. When I finally peaked out into the hall to see what was going on, I saw her asleep at her desk. I think two hours passed before we could finally leave. Should have just cut off those bracelets and taken off! But we were happy to bring our new baby home, and we were shown so much love by friends and family who visited and brought us meals. 

It's fun to look at these photos knowing who Paige is now. She's one of a kind, with the huge heart and a huge imagination. 

It’s been awhile…

It’s been six years since my last post. Jameson was two years old and Quincy was four. Just thinking about the person I was then gets me feeling emotional. I’ve been through so much. We’ve had three more children. We’ve had three new addresses since then.

We were living in our little apartment on Gage Boulevard in Richland when I wrote my last post. Now we live in Chubbuck again. In a home that we own.

Life has felt very chaotic for the past three years. (Our fourth child is about to turn three). There is so much I plan to write about. So many things that have been swirling in my head, and I’d find myself wishing I had someone to talk to about it but it’s always that there’s either no one to talk to or no one who would understand. I’d find myself having imaginary conversations in my head. That probably makes me a crazy person.

Moving back to Idaho was a relief in a lot of ways but it’s also felt somewhat isolating. I’ll go into that more in a separate post.

I plan on writing about the births of my younger three children. I’ll share about my experience leaving group fitness behind. Maybe I’ll share my thoughts on health/healing/contagion. I’ll share about changes in my health and body size following the birth of Morgan and how that’s been tough to deal with mentally and what I’m doing about it. I may share about the time where I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints anymore. I could detail what I felt during the year of 2020 and how I’m coming back online and blogging about entirely personal things after years of posting nothing on social media.

I hope that writing it all down is healing in some ways for me. I don’t know or care if anyone even sees this. I’m not doing it for anybody else. (I used to share my posts to Facebook, but I deleted it in 2020- I’ve only come back onto it now because I needed to use marketplace. Apparently, no one uses Craig’s list anymore).

The world has changed so much in the last six years and so have I. But, I do have a habit of starting things and not finishing them. Even now, I’m tempted to just save this as a draft and not publish it because I’ve just laid out plans for this blog but what if I change my mind tomorrow and decide it’s not worth the effort? Except I don’t think I will change my mind. My day to day life is so hectic these days, I often feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. I put my baby to bed tonight and then just walked out the front door so I could sit on my front porch, in my hammock chair from Costco, and soak in the quiet and calm of the cool night air. I just sat there and tried to let the overwhelm of the evening routine relax out of that tense spot in my neck and shoulders. I had so many thoughts swirling around in my head again and it often feels like a burden I want to unload but I don’t even know how. And I don’t know why but this blog popped into my mind. I didn’t know if I’d even be able to open it up again. I wondered if I should write it all down- catch up on the past six years. And it suddenly felt like the thing to do so… here I am.