This post is long. I think I use the word "pressure" like 1000 times and I probably sound like a whiny baby, but writing this has been somewhat therapeutic for me and I am happy that I've finally done it.
Quinn's birth did not go at all how I had planned. More than anything, I wanted to have a hypnobirth. It sounds weird, but I thought it sounded wonderful. I took classes and I learned that women are meant to give birth. Birth isn't a medical event, it's a natural process that women and babies are built for. I couldn't wait to experience it and feel empowered knowing that I had accomplished something that I was put on this earth to do.
In January, my blood pressure started to climb. It wasn't super serious, just 130s/ high 80s. Sometimes a little higher, so they put me on bed rest. Until I was about 37 or 38 weeks pregnant, then I started to have a lot of anxiety about my upcoming due date. I mean, I had never had a baby before! I didn't know how to feel! Every visit to the midwives, I could feel myself having anxiety and I knew that my blood pressure would be too high if I couldn't calm down. Well, it was 160/100 at one visit and they ordered non-stress tests and bio-physical profiles for baby. She soared through them. They also made me do this horrible thing where I had to give a 24 hour urine sample. So gross. The doctor prescribed me to go on beta blockers that day as well.
The following day, I had to go back to the clinic to hand over my urine sample, and so I thought I would stop by the midwives and have them check my blood pressure since I was feeling much more relaxed. It was around 130/90. They said that the beta blockers were working, and then I told them I hadn't taken any. They told me I needed to start taking them right away. So I went home and took one. Then I decided to research beta blockers and pregnancy. Turns out, you can't just stop taking them once you start. You have to slowly go off of them because you could have a heart attack. Also, they told me that they didn't affect the baby but I read that they do slow down the baby's heart rate as well. I called them and asked them if my blood pressure went down, if I would still have to do the non stress tests and ultrasounds and they said that I would have to because I was taking the pills. At the end of the day, I decided not to take the pills. I felt strongly that it was the wrong thing to do.
While I was sure that I shouldn't take them, I was so scared to tell them that I wasn't doing it. The midwife asked me to come in on Sunday for a check up. My blood pressure was high because I was so nervous to tell her that I wasn't taking the pills. It was 150/98. I knew that if I went home, it would be back down to safe levels, but that was the second time I had had a super high reading at a check up, and she wouldn't have been doing her job if she just let me go. Since I wasn't taking the pills, the on call doctor ordered that I be induced that day. My body was not at all ready for labor. I was 39 weeks, but at a 0 and not even close.
They had to soften my cervix before they could start pitocin. They wanted me to take cytotec, but I'd heard that it could cause uterine rupture and it is even banned in some hospitals. I chose cervidil, which is less effective. They put that in and then leave it for 12 hours. (By the way, after being in the hospital for a few hours and calming down, my blood pressure went back down to safe levels). So they put that in at 4:00 on Sunday afternoon. At 4:00 the next morning, nothing had changed. So they put cytotec in. Cytotec is 4 doses every 4 hours. Two hours after they put it in, I was having contractions 2-3 minutes apart, and a lot of pressure down in my backs and hips which kept building throughout the day. You have to lie flat for an hour after they put in each dose, and lying flat while having back labor sucks. Throughout the day, I never felt anything in the front of my belly other than tightness. All the pressure was in my back and hips. The birthing ball felt good, it made it so I couldn't even tell when I was having a contraction. It also helped with the pressure.
By 4:00 pm, I was finally starting to thin out but I still wasn't dilating at all. I hadn't slept since Saturday night and I was tired. It sucked that things felt so much more intense yet labor hadn't even really started. My mom arrived sometime after that.
By 8:00 pm, I was at a 3. Finally! They swept my membranes and started me on pitocin then. They knew I wanted a bagel labor, so they started it slower than they usually do. I got in the tub, and then I felt awesome. All the pressure was gone. I remember saying that I would just stay in the tub until I was ready to have the baby. Three hours later, things had gotten a lot more intense. I felt like I did before I got in. I thought I had progressed another centimeter or two, since they had me on putit. They said "3.5... But your sac is bulging." I probably wasn't even three and a half, but still three and they didn't want me to get discouraged. Too late. I was exhausted after 36 hours with no sleep, and I wasn't even to the point where they give epidurals. I didn't want one, but my point is that "labor" isn't really fully established until you're between 4-6. I started crying then and told my mom and my husband that I didn't want to do it anymore.
They broke my water at midnight. I've heard that having your water broke doesn't hurt. Well, it dies when the student midwife does it and keeps missing and has to stick the giant hooked needle in four times. That hurt. I cried. I was happy though because I assumed things would get moving along much more quickly after they broke my water. They definitely got more intense when there was no water to cushion the weight of the baby on me. I sat on the birthing ball again, and my mom and Kelly took turns rubbing my back. The midwife told me to get up and move every 20 minutes, but I didn't want to move at all. I just sat on the birthing ball and squeezed the crap out of my moms hand every other minute. That really does help, it puts the pain somewhere else for a minute. My mom and Kelly kept trying to get me up and moving but I kept telling them no. I finally got up after a nurse came in and told me too, but standing added so much more pressure! I eventually moved to a chair and I just sat there for like an hour and cried. I didn't want to think or move. I craved sleep. They called the midwife back in then, since I wasn't handling things well. She came in and gave me a plan, which helped. She put a hot towel on my back and I was able to stop my hips and legs from shaking. Then
she had me get in the shower and they sprayed my back with hot water for a long time. Then she had me sit on the ball again, then I got back in the tub. The bath helped more than anything else. Kelly and my mom still took turns rubbing my lower back for me, bless them. They were tired, too. I got to the point where I didn't want to be touched. It was too much to handle that along with the pain. I was pretty loud during the contractions at this point, moaning and trying not to cry out every 30 seconds. It felt like my hips were being yanked upwards.
Meanwhile, the midwife thought I was getting close so she went and got the room ready for delivery. She also turned up the pitocin a lot higher than she said she was going to. At 4:30 am, she checked me and said "4-5." At that point, I knew I was done. I cried and begged for the epidural. She told me she thought it would be a good idea. I wasn't progressing because baby was sunny side up. They told me the anesthesiologist would be there within 15 minutes. In my mind I figured out how many contractions I would have to endure before he got there.
The epidural was in by 5:00 am, and it felt good. I quickly fell asleep. At 10:00 the next morning, I woke up with an oxygen mask on my face. I then realized they'd been having me switch sides I was laying on every few minutes. My baby was no longer handling labor well. I immediately thought that it was because I'd had an epidural. I felt guilty and scared. My mom told me it was all going to be fine, but they said I might have to have a c section. I was dilated to a 7.
At noon, the doctor came to check on me. I was at a ten finally. They had stopped the pitocin at some point, because my baby's heart rate was dropping. My labor stopped with it. They started it back up again but after a couple hours, my contractions wouldn't get close enough together or regular, even. They had me push a couple of times, but every time I pushed her heart rate would drop more. They
had me get on my hands and knees at one point, but the baby still wasn't doing well. Around 4:90 the doctor came back in. She had me push again, and she reached up and tried to turn the baby the right
way, but she couldn't. Baby was too high. Her heart rate plummeted down into the 60s and it wasn't coming back up. She told a nurse to have them prepare for a c section, stat. She asked me how my pain control was. I said not good! They were going to do a c section without any pain meds! That sounded horrible! I was terrified and crying. Then her heart rate started to climb back up. I was having another contraction so the 5 or 6 people that were around my bed were all telling me to push with everything I had. They were holding my legs and I pushed as hard as I could, she didn't move down any farther and her heart rate dropped. I had to have a c section. They were able to give me a spinal thankfully, because my baby was stable enough.
They pulled her out, and showed her to me very quickly. Her head was deformed from being stuck inside my pelvis. The cord was wrapped around her neck twice. Then they took her away because she needed oxygen. A few minutes later I heard a baby crying and they told me that it was my baby. Kelly got to leave and go be with her while they put me back together. When they were done, they took me to another room and started me on more pain meds.
I remember seeing Kelly walk in holding our tiny daughter. She looked like him. They had me nurse her only I couldn't hold her because my arms were stuck out like chicken wings and they were shaking horribly from the anesthesia. So they held her for me and she nursed really well.
Quincy Grace Hodges was born at 5:02 pm on February 11th, 2014. She weighed 6 lbs 1 oz and was 19.5 inches long.
Yesterday she had her two month check up and she is 11 lbs 11 oz. She is perfect and healthy and happy.
Since her birth, I have struggled with the fact that I wasn't able to birth her normally. They told me later that my pelvis is very small and that after a labor like mine, I had a 13% chance of having a successful VBAC. The doctor told me she had a hard time getting the baby's head out of my pelvis becaus it was so stuck. I am a woman, but I can't birth babies normally. Maybe I would have been able to, had I refused to be induced. Maybe my body would have released enough relaxin or my hips to spread far enough for my baby to make it through. Maybe she would have turned the right way. Or maybe, she would have died from having the cord around her neck. Maybe she would have gotten stuck anyways. 100 years ago, my baby probably would have died. I am thankful that she arrive here safely. My husband reminds me that her birth is only a small part of her existence, and that she is perfect. While all of that is true, I still had a hard time. I would think about my time in the hospital and cry, because I hated those memories. They were painful and scary and I felt like I failed at the one thing all women are supposed to be able to do. While birth is a small part of a baby's life, it is what gives them life. I realize now that some women aren't even able to get pregnant or stay pregnant. I am lucky in that I had a mostly normal pregnancy and a beautiful baby.
